Marketers at a top retail store have revealed plans for their Back to School 2022 campaign despite it still being summer 2019. The crafty commercial enterprise is said to be pre-empting ever-earlier ads aimed at parents kitting out their kids for the new school year by planting the seed in customers’ minds three years early.
“Last year we were caught on the hop when one of our rivals bought TV advertising space for their Back to School commercials on the night the kids broke up,” said Ted Bundy, head of marketing at department store William Palmer and Sons. “We thought about how we could get our own back, and leaving a flaming dog poo in a bag on the doorsteps of each of their branches seemed like a logistical nightmare. So we thought we’d get in even earlier than them with the adverts.”
Asked how the Back to School 2022 range differs from the Back to School 2019 stock, Bundy remained vague. “It’s 2022, innit?” he shrugged, “it’ll probably be hoverboards, concentrated food pellets and the like. It doesn’t really matter, because we’ve got the adverts out first, so we win.”
The government recently launched an enquiry into why retailers’ Back to School campaigns have slowly crept forwards in recent decades. In conclusion, the report suggested that the commercial sector “wanted to screw with kids’ happiness and panic parents into buying sweatshop-stitched tat from them rather than waiting for a better deal at a rival shop.”
However, there have been rumours that a mix-up at a commercial calendar printing company in the mid-90s led to shops’ seasonal displays becoming out of sync with the rest of the country. “You see Back to School sections at the end of July when the kids have only just finished,” says John Christie of the Keep Seasonal Shop Displays in the Correct Season campaign group, “it’s the same muddle that has led to Christmas items going on sale in September, Easter products being stocked from Boxing Day and shops in the UK trying to sell barbecues, even though we very rarely see a proper summer.”
At William Palmer and Sons, they are unconcerned about the reasons behind why shops are so keen to bag Back to School sales so early. They have big plans. “The ideal situation is that we’ll soon be marketing Back to School products for children that haven’t even been conceived yet,” says Bundy, “We have boffins working behind the scenes, attempting to find a way of persuading adults who haven’t even considered having kids to purchase full uniforms and accessories. Actually, I probably shouldn’t have said that. Don’t put that in your report please.”