Five Reasons to Suspect Your Child Might be Middle Class

Middle class children - houmous

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It’s something that can affect any one of us, and there is no shame if it hits your household. It can creep up as if from nowhere and suddenly reveal itself public when you least expect it. You probably need to prepare for it, just in case there is an outbreak at school and one of your kids unwittingly brings it home. Yes, it is entirely possible that one or more of your children is middle class. 

But how do you spot the telltale signs? How can you know exactly when they pass the point of no return? Thankfully for you, The Dadsnet has put together this handy spotter’s guide on what to look out for if you suspect your child might be middle class. 

Their Favourite Bit of Topsy and Tim

Dads spend the majority of the time watching Topsy and Tim on CBeebies trying to work out exactly what it is that their mum sees in their father. Normal children enjoy the interplay between the twins and their parents, and the way they work through issues and obstacles. 

Middle class children - Topsy and Tim

A potentially middle class child is the only one who actually cares about the long-running house moving saga. They are concerned that Mr and Mrs Topsy and Tim haven’t factored in potential swings in interest rates due to an uncertain post-Brexit future and are pulling their hair out that we’ve heard next to nothing about the new property’s proximity to local amenities. 

Teddy Tea Parties are Gone

A child in the early stages of becoming middle class will begin to phase out tea parties for their cuddly toys. In their place, they will schedule teddy dinner parties. 

Middle class children - Teddy

One big difference is that they will stress all day about the tidiness of the house because they don’t want the stuffed camel to judge them and think they live in a pigsty. In addition, they’ll stick on a Dido CD in the background, start using words like “bonking” that only ever otherwise appear in Richard Curtis films and spend the whole evening trying to set up Action Man with Barbie.

Favourite Houmous

I remember the first time I ate houmous. I must have been at least 18 because I had left home to go to university. Both of my children have wolfed it down from a young age. But that is only the early stages of middle class; you know they’ve gone full blown when they have a preferred flavour of the crushed chickpea delicacy. 

Middle class children - houmous

If you’re interested, my daughter likes red pepper, whilst my son is all about lemon and coriander. In fact, my eldest liked it so much that I decided to make some at home so I could ensure there wasn’t too much salt in what she was consuming. It was frankly disgusting and we swiftly switched back to the supermarket fare. 

Check the Branding

Go out into the garden. Does your child have one of those red Little Tikes Cozy Coupe cars? Trick question – all kids have access to one of those. Look on the front. Is there any sign of a circle with an arrow pointing diagonally upwards? Yes? Yup, they have rebadged it as a Volvo – the single most middle class car there is.

Middle class children - Vovlo

They Can’t Hide it

The thing with becoming middle class is that it is very difficult to hide. It tends to seep out, even if you try and hold it in. The finest example of this that I have experienced was in a supermarket in Hebden Bridge. 

If you don’t know Hebden Bridge, it is a distinctly middle class, artsy West Yorkshire town full of independent traders and makers. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that, as I was browsing the aisles, I heard a ten-year-old burst through the doors full of glee, declaring loudly in his poshest voice, “mummy, mummy, I’ll, get the pain au chocolat”.

Now THAT is how you know your child is middle class. 

Do you have any other telltale signs that your child might be middle class? Share them in the comments.

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1 Comment

  1. sam

    It hit me the day my son asked me, ” where are we going this half term?”

    The realisation not that travelling during the most expensive peak time periods had become the norm.

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