In many ways, kids are unpredictable souls. They all have different personalities, learn to walk at different times, to talk at different times. But in some respects they are all exactly the same. There are a host of situations that you can guarantee will happen with any child, as you will know through bitter experience.
Take a look at this list and see if you can add any more to the pile.
1) Your Baby Can Tell When You Relax
Finally put out the washing, finished the ironing and popped the cork on a glass of something fizzy? You just know that the baby who slept peacefully throughout the chores will take that as a cue to raise hell. Ideally, they will begin their screaming at the very moment your backside hits the sofa and you let out that deep breath that symbolises your body crumbling into its relaxed state. Once you activate this mode, it is all the more difficult to then lift yourself from your slumber to attend to the child.
They know this and that is part of their masterplan.
The same goes for cooking. It doesn’t matter how long you take to whip up a culinary masterpiece, they will lie in wait, keeping their powder dry until fork touches food. At that point, they turn it up to banshee, refusing to calm down until they are certain your hard-earned dinner is cold.
2) Flexible Waking
We all know about routines, whether you believe in them or not. Some of the more strident of child rearing experts suggest that your kids should sleep from one set time to another set time every day. This is impossible because children can sense when their parents want them to wake and then they make a point of doing the exact opposite.
Have a free morning in the school holidays when you could feasibly laze around for as long as you like? Guaranteed pre-6 o’clock wake-up call with toddlers crawling over your face. Need to be up and out the house by 8:30am to catch a train? You could put money on the fact the only thing that will wake them from their groggy slumber at 8 o’clock is a marching band parading up and down their bedroom.
Similarly, when you finally get a night out and down a few beers, you know for sure that you’ll have to be up with them at 6, smiling through the hangover as you sing along to the Moana soundtrack under the instructions of a demanding five-year-old.
3) Poo Delay
Think that your little one needs to poo but they can’t seem to get it out? There is an easy remedy – simply change their nappy. Just as night follows day, the optimum time for a baby to drop the contents of their bowels is in the five minutes after you put the new nappy on them.
Every. Single. Time.
Still, wasting a perfectly good nappy is better than dealing with a bunged up baby, uncomfortably pulling those bizarre straining faces for long periods of time.
4) Busting at the Table
Similarly, the way to get an older child to wee is to simply place their food on the table. I don’t know if there is some kind of Pavlov’s dog thing going on but, rather than salivating when a bell rings, kids hear the clank of china on formica and instantly need to visit the toilet as a matter of urgency.
5) Change Bag Regret
One day you will feel confident enough to leave the house without a change of clothes for your child. No matter how many trips out you have enjoyed without incident, that very day will be the one on which said child will destroy their outfit with a refined mix of food, paint and bodily fluids. All at the same time.
This will also occur when you are as far from home as is humanly possible and, ideally, a trek away from the nearest kids’ clothing shop.
What Else is Guaranteed to Happen With Your Kids?
Do you have any other examples of things that are guaranteed to happen with your kids? Let us know in the Comments section below.