[Adam]

Hi guys,

Bit of a sore topic but I recently broke up with my girlfriend, we have two kids – a 1yr old boy and a 4yr old girl (who isn’t biologically mine but her real dad isn’t around and I treat her like my own).
Anyway, we broke up primarily because she was meeting other guys behind my back and covering it up, changing names in her contacts, lying about where she was etc all while I was at home with the kids. Despite finding out about this, I still wanted to try to make it work, I didn’t want to lose my family as I feel like it’s all I have. I traded my whole life for this.
However, she wanted somebody else and so we broke up.

It’s been about a month now and she’s becoming more and more hostile towards me. I still love her and care about her but she’s treating me like the enemy, constantly trying to make my life miserable as though I was in the wrong somehow. The break up has completely broken me, both emotionally and financially.

We agreed on an affordable amount for child support but she’s now decided that she’s going to CSA to get the full amount she’s entitled to, this isn’t an issue. But on top of that, she’s cancelled a phone contract that I bought her for Xmas, leaving me with a £600 bill to be payable within a month (for no reason other than to see me struggle), she refuses to agree on dates/times to see the kids, it’s basically just whenever she has a date with another guy or whenever she wants to go out, I don’t really get a say.
And I fear that at some point she might stop me from seeing them, full stop. The only probable reason that she hasn’t is because she has nobody else to babysit for her.

I guess I’m asking for some kind of advice, I don’t really know how I should feel or what I should do. But it’s getting harder and harder to cope with the stress, anxiety & general uncertainty of it all.

[Stephen Taylor]

Hi Adam,
Just reading your story speaks volumes about how dedicated to those kids you are mate.
Money comes and goes but that love you have for those kids is forever pal.
I understand times are hard, I don’t think you should let her treat you like this with seeing the kids. You need to get some legality down on paper for a set routine for yours and their sake.
Someone will appreciate you for who you are mate so keep your head up.
If you ever need to talk I’m always a willing ear to listen.
No one should tell you how you should feel. I’ve personally gone through similar circumstances and there is a stigma around men talking, but it honestly helps. I found talking to my doctor helped a hell of a lot and they can offer further guidance.
Stephen

[Adam]

Hi Stephen,
Thanks for your reply, it means a lot.
The financial struggles aren’t a real issue, I just felt it was a point which highlighted how she is manipulating and using me to get what she wants.

Regardless, things have gotten a little better since I wrote this.
We now use her mother as a mediator when I’m picking up the kids and we limit conversation via text to just important things about the kids.
It’s still tough though, even seeing her for two minutes is difficult because it reminds me of what we used to have.
But still, the terms are a little better, not necessarily easier but definitely better.

There certainly is a stigma when it comes to men opening up and talking about stuff. I found that I can’t really talk to my mates about it because they wouldn’t understand or they say stupid things like “man up” as though that means anything at all. But I do have a couple of female friends who have helped to cheer me up, so there is some progress there.

It’s just when I’m alone, it’s tough to not overthink or worry about stuff. And I’m alone a decent chunk of the time as I work alone and live alone.

Thanks.

[Author]

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