[WG]

Hi, I’ve recently joined dadsnet because I feel as I get older I am less sure of my purpose. I am nearing 40, have 2 boys of 1 and 4, am married to wife of 7 yrs (been together 13) and on the surface have the perfect life.

I always thought when I was a younger man I would become more sure of myself in all areas of my life. I was confident, resilient, sociable and positive. I find that as I grow older (and since I’ve had kids) I find social situations more awkward and am questioning what kind of person I am happy to be.

I quit drinking 6 months ago because I was using it as an anaesthetic for stress and general life anxieties and got zero enjoyment from it. Since then I find that I am more emotional, more awkward with people, and have to force myself to socialise.

I feel that I don’t really have any true male friends that I can talk to – all our friends are child-related.

I don’t feel close to my wife and spend a lot of time thinking about being intimate with her (we haven’t been much since the kids).

I feel I am acting a number of roles that are not the real me but don’t really know a healthy way to make myself happy. I do regular intense exercise and this helps in the short term but I just feel there is something missing and that I just want to escape.

I’m sorry to start a thread with negative vibes but does anyone recognise any of these feelings?

It has all come to a head during lockdown as I’ve had much more time with my young kids. I mostly find it hard to switch off negative thoughts. These range from anxiety and general worry down to moments of self loathing.

WG

[Ant]

Hi, new here too and really can relate, to be honest reason why joined to see if anyone felt the same.

Feel spilt, in god knows how many ways, but also that I’ve lost myself or I’m buried somewhere below everything else trying to gasp for air.

[WG]

Hi Ant, good to hear from you. The phrase ‘I’m buried below everything’ certainly rings true for me. I joined this forum to find an outlet for lots of pent up feelings.

I sometimes look at my wife’s relationships with envy – women seem so much better at honestly expressing how they feel to each other. I find my male relationships are either based on bravado, banter or chatting about sport.

I’m finding it really hard at the moment to not resent my wife for the way I feel: we have a sort of deal – she gets a lie in every day and I get to exercise whenever I like. I struggle to feel as if she really appreciates me. I can’t help but think about sex a lot. In the current ‘me too’ climate, it seems men are almost demonised for having any sexual feeling. I know that’s obviously wrong, but I feel good honest men who are good fathers and loyal have to pay for the crimes of a few individuals.

The other thing that is really getting to me is how much my wife spends time on social media in front of me and the kids (which is also what I’m doing right now).

Anyway – I’m hoping I can use this forum to speak honestly and anonymously to try to clear out a lot of negative thoughts and give myself some clarity.

WG

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