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Hate being a dad and failing

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      I really struggled during my partner’s second trimester onwards. I felt very neglected, while I understood my partner was having a very tough time bring heavily pregnant. I just thought you just have to put up with it and deal with it like everyone else does, so that’s what I did. I started to feel a powerful sense of foreboding when thinking about my future and having a family, despite the fact that I had always wanted children. I got close to a friend at work who was a great person to lean on as my parter seemed often hostile and distant. I soon fell for this co worker and I initially resisted this temptation, it soon became too difficult to stop myself. I proceeded to have an affair and later fall in love with her. I saw her as an escape from an impending doom but soon developed depression and anxiety relating to the affair and my guilt I felt because of my pregnant partner.

      When she had the baby I felt lost and disgusted with myself. I tried to focus on my partner and the baby, but honestly I hated it. I hated all the common struggles that come with looking after a newborn, I hate the parent version of the relationship I have with my partner. I continually felt neglected and started to pull away from her and continued to be guilt ridden. I eventually told my partner about the affair when I thought she was strong enough to hear it. She wants to work things out and forgive me, but I can’t help but continue to hate my life as a parent, and the version of our relationship as parents which is sexless, joyless, no romance and no time and freedom.

      I keep trying to will myself to love the baby and my partner who I care about immensely, but I’m so caught up in feelings with the affair partner who wants a relationship with me, and still seems to offer an escape from this nightmare. At the same time I want to do the right thing. I do love my baby, and I would never want to abandon them, at the same time I hate the job of being a parent and can’t stand so much of it like the constant crying, fussing, failing to settle and the patience you’re meant to have to deal with these miseries. I just seem to hate being a dad, I think I’m a terrible dad who seems to often upset my baby, I cheated on my beautiful partner and can’t stop thinking about the other woman.

      I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make myself happy and balance doing what’s best for everyone.

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