Hate being a dad and failing

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    • #219035


      I really struggled during my partner’s second trimester onwards. I felt very neglected, while I understood my partner was having a very tough time bring heavily pregnant. I just thought you just have to put up with it and deal with it like everyone else does, so that’s what I did. I started to feel a powerful sense of foreboding when thinking about my future and having a family, despite the fact that I had always wanted children. I got close to a friend at work who was a great person to lean on as my parter seemed often hostile and distant. I soon fell for this co worker and I initially resisted this temptation, it soon became too difficult to stop myself. I proceeded to have an affair and later fall in love with her. I saw her as an escape from an impending doom but soon developed depression and anxiety relating to the affair and my guilt I felt because of my pregnant partner.

      When she had the baby I felt lost and disgusted with myself. I tried to focus on my partner and the baby, but honestly I hated it. I hated all the common struggles that come with looking after a newborn, I hate the parent version of the relationship I have with my partner. I continually felt neglected and started to pull away from her and continued to be guilt ridden. I eventually told my partner about the affair when I thought she was strong enough to hear it. She wants to work things out and forgive me, but I can’t help but continue to hate my life as a parent, and the version of our relationship as parents which is sexless, joyless, no romance and no time and freedom.

      I keep trying to will myself to love the baby and my partner who I care about immensely, but I’m so caught up in feelings with the affair partner who wants a relationship with me, and still seems to offer an escape from this nightmare. At the same time I want to do the right thing. I do love my baby, and I would never want to abandon them, at the same time I hate the job of being a parent and can’t stand so much of it like the constant crying, fussing, failing to settle and the patience you’re meant to have to deal with these miseries. I just seem to hate being a dad, I think I’m a terrible dad who seems to often upset my baby, I cheated on my beautiful partner and can’t stop thinking about the other woman.

      I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make myself happy and balance doing what’s best for everyone.

    • #223126
      Chris Ching


      Interesting story you have there. Firstly, only you can make yourself happy and you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.

      Secondly, having an affair when your partner is expecting, it’s a cliche and you have to accept that.

      A lot of couples end in separation or divorce and it doesn’t make you a bad person. It might make you a better dad. You have to do what is right your yourself and your dependant.

      I would suggest going and getting some counselling to at least get it off your chest and discuss your feeling about all aspects of the situation.

      Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’ve made a mistake and a lot of people do, doesn’t mean you have to beat yourself up about it. But only you can decide what you want, there are clearly tough decisions to make in all aspects of your situation.

      Get some help, you’re not alone!

    • #228893
      Andre Milton

      It is a strange moment that you call your wife as “partner”. Partner can be in sex, on work, in friendship. But not in marriage!

      I would suggest you to visit a family therapist. I believe you will find yourself in that situation first of all. Yourself, but not somebody else. Try to feel yourself, your wishes.

    • #232568
      Don Harper

      Hi. I want to say this thing: a child is a separate person, with his own character, reactions and other human qualities. You cannot force yourself to love another person, but you must take care of him. You are an adult, and you must be responsible for your child, even if he was born from a woman who is now unloved. The child is not at fault.
      In the same way, a child may not love you when he is a little older. No need to try to be what you are not with a child, he will understand everything anyway.
      I got the feeling that you were simply afraid of responsibility, and therefore you are leaving for other, easy and comfortable relationships, where you can receive only joy and give nothing in return.
      I’m not judging you, I’m just urging you to think about your actions and behave like an adult. Good luck!

    • #241473
      Emose Lase

      Hi! Maybe you should remember the relationship you had with your wife before you had a child. this difficult period when the child is small and he constantly needs a mother will pass, and it will become easier. think about what to arrange an evening together, to remember how it was before. your wife will feel your support and attention. you can hire a home help, then there is more time for you. elopement will not solve anything.

    • #271314

      Thank you

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