[John m]

Hi ,
I’m a first time dad in my 50’s and I’m finding it very hard.
My wife has other children and has seen and done it all before, but I’m struggling with our 3 year old.
From a early age all see wants is mum, and it’s driving me mad and destroying our relationship.
If I go to our daughter at night she screams and do weds in corner trying to get away from me, and my wife ends up getting up all the time.
When I come home she runs and hides from me, but is fine with other family members.
If I get her up in morning she cries most times and throws things at me and races upstairs to mum who is still sleeping.
She won’t sit near me at dinner table , and I’m not allowed to look at her eating or help.
I could go on but you get the picture it’s like this all the time , Nd my wife ends up doing everything and moans to me saying that !
It’s killing me and our relationship please help.
I don’t shout at her get angry or anything, if she wants something I’m normally the one that gives in… so why does it feel like she hates me?

Help !

[Anonymous]

You really need the support of your wife here.

When your daughter refuses your attention and goes to her mum, your wife needs to refuse her and insist she goes to you.

Was there a period in her life where you weren’t around so much, maybe worked long hours away?

You just need to spend considerable time around her, so she understands you’re not going anywhere. This sounds like a classic case of your daughter rejecting you, because she feels rejected by you at some stage.

[Rhys32]

I get similar treatment sometimes and it makes it super hard if you’re not on your A game it just feels like a proper gut punch.
Try not to take it personally and be proactive about it.
The key thing I’d say is don’t lose your patience with it, as getting angry is just gonna make her not want to be around you.

Try spending more 1-1 time with her, take her out for adventures, go to the park even just for a few hours. Gives mum a bit of time off too so its a win win, (not sure what your routine is like) but on those days then see if you can do the whole bedtime routine solo after getting back from your adventure so bath and teeth followed by stories and bed try build that bond. find something you both enjoy doing together that’s a bit special.

I still get days where she’ll flat refuse me for mum, and long periods where it seems only mum will do.
but on the days where I spend more time with her she lets me in a bit more.

[Robert Laurin]

this was my daughter but to a much lesser extent, she always wanted mommy and there were a few things we tried that seemed to help. If she said she needed mommy I would say that “daddy is just as capable of helping as mommy is and mommy is busy so if you need help I am your only option, what can I do for you hun?” if she was throwing a fit I would hug her and soothingly say “its ok hun, daddy is here to help, daddy loves you and wants to help, what can I do?” and I would hold her till she settled down. I also said how it hurt my feelings when she did something like that in a plain honest way. I would set examples such as “if I were sad and she tried to comfort me and I said go away I want mommy how would it make her feel?” the important part is to keep calm but be firm and make sure your wife is on board and sends her to you if she runs away. Best of luck because it is an aweful feeling.

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