- 23/09/2022 at 10:14 am #226292Islam AlyParticipant
First time to post. I am currently going through divorce, I asked for it. I am a dad to two beautiful girls, originally from the middle east and my soon to be ex is from Poland.
The relationship was really one sided, everything was always her way. I was working day and night to provide her everything she wants. I bought a house that I did not like, just to please her. I got her a £10,000 car through loan that only she can drive (I did not hold driving license and she refused to train me). She would travel to her family twice a year to Poland spend around 1 months each time, while I do not go back home for 6 7 years. She did not work, her decision, and when she works she would use all her money to indulge herself. She always asked me for money to help her family and friends. While getting angry if I bought my mom a gift for £40 (two weeks before that she asked me to buy her mom a car for £2000 and I agreed).
All that was some how manageable, main issue was the intimacy. The moment she knew we are pregnant she refused any sort of intimacy I was forced to sleep on Sofas and on floor. I am really not the harsh type, I do use silent treatment a lot when I see that I cannot logic with her (like when she made a problem because of the £40 gift to my mom). I would be lucky if we can get intimate once or twice a year. In the last few years since April 2019 until April 2022 we got intimate once. I tried to persuade her to go to GP, she goes and come back saying that she is right as rain. Then I asked maybe we should seek therapy, she said what do you think I am crazy or something. She says, It is all in my head and I am just a dog because you have F***ed up Culture and F***ed up religion (I am Muslim). She has used this argument a lot to explain anything that is illogical. eg. I do have Full time job, mostly working from home, also trying to get more work in the evening and weekend (I am a CA). I also baby sit our 2 years old child at least 3 to 4 hours everyday. I also put them to sleep and occasionally shower them. Wife refuses to cook for me so I cook for my self (I eat Halal) and I tidy the living room after kids are asleep. Wife does not work, but she says that she is not my maid and I need to loan and unload the dishes and clean bathrooms and windows as well. This is Europe and you must act European by taking half the chores. Additionally, a lot of her family occasionally joke with me in an unappropriated manner, like telling me “Oh the terrorist came” or “you know all Muslims are GoatF**kers”. I always tolerated that because I would always think they are family.
The straw that broke my back that after two years with no intimacy I asked her to dedicate a night for us (she never ask for it, I always need to be the one who initiate it) as the oldest is having a sleepover. She agreed and I had a plan for romantic night, music, candles and everything to get her in the mood.
On the day she woke us up telling us that a stranger is coming for coffee, a stranger that she later identifies as her cousin’s ex-husband. 8 O’clock in the morning coming for coffee just for half an hour, and she wears nice revealing clothes for him. Made him breakfast with decoration and everything. She sat and converse with him, while I am carrying the child standing in the middle ignored. I asked her to take the child because I need to work. She said I am busy now, but I insisted so she took her and let her watch TV. 4 hours later the guy still there, ricks with alcohol putting his legs up with the shoes on my sofa drinking beer. While my wife makes him dinner, I asked her it has been 4 hours already she tells me he is staying the night. I got really angry and started shouting, she said why you are angry. He is my family came all the way from main land Europe, and I will not let him sleep in the street. I said but we agreed, she said but he is family and family is always important. I said but I am your family as well, and I should be important as well. Then she said here you are, in my culture family is very important they always come first. In your culture you do not respect family that’s why we are arguing. Then I said he is not your family he is your Cousin’s ex-husband that your uncle prohibited him from seeing the children for being alcoholic. She said, still he is important. I asked more important that me? She said, yes he is. I got so angry, she left the room. I texted her that I want a divorce.
Later I saw the messages between her and the guy full of red hearts, and in 2020 during the lockdown he sends her a picture of a man’s part in a cage joking “Lockdown”. Worth to mention that when everyone went against her mom, only me stood beside her mom and helped her financially when was defrauded. Because that how I care about family.
We went to couples therapy and therapist told her she is wrong, she needs to change. She agreed, but then i saw a message to her friends saying, let him come back and forget about divorce and I will put him back in his place.
So I decided not to fix things, and continue with divorce.
Sorry for the long story, I just wanted you to understand why I am asking what I am asking.
Now the financial settlement is really not in my favour, I am happy to give her half of everything. In fact I am happy to give her everything. The house, the car, Child maintenance (The max even if the kids will stay with me). Half of my pension and all the cash. But she does not want that, she wants to stay in the house, I pay her enough spousal maintenance so she can pay the mortgage until kids are 18. Then when the house is sold in 16 years she get 100% of the equity (because technically she was paying the full mortgage). I spoke to couple of lawyers and they said she would win that. Again I am happy to give her EVERYTHING, but I really do not want to be under her thumb from another 16th years, I would kill myself before that would happened. I already seek therapy because that thought came to me during the marriage more than it should with one attempt.
I just need a solicitor that help me to escape a mesher order, then she can take anything else.
If anyone had a good aggressive solicitor that might secure that I will really appreciate it. I just wanted to start a new abuse free life.
I apologise for the long post.
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