- 27/05/2020 at 10:29 am #129282
I’m after some advice from you guys about the situation I am faced with.
Been with my wife for 13 years and married 7, we have a 6yo son together and share financial commitments.
In February this year she seemed off with me and I quizzed her on it and she told me she didn’t live me anymore which was out of the blue and I was none the wiser to it. We sat and talked that weekend and both agreed to work on the marriage and listed and talked to each other about our faults and I really thought we was in the same page. Within 2 weeks she rang me to say she got it wrong and that she does still love me and I was so happy. Soon after lockdown happened and we were trapped in the house together and all the stuff we spoke about and planned to do as a couple and a family stopped due to being trapped at home.
Within 2 weeks of the lockdown I asked her for a sexual favour in the bedroom and she refused it and I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing but I knew this wasn’t the case so I quizzed her and she once again told me she didn’t love me anymore.
That was the worst night of my life so far and I was so hurt again.
We spoke over that weekend and I found out from her that all the things about me that never bothered her now bother her and it got her down. She had no tears or emotions that weekend and it was killing me and I could only think of 1 explanation for it. I mentioned to her on the Sunday that she is depressed and she broke down into tears and that gave me hope that this depression was the cause of all of this. The next week she called the doctors to speak to them and her gp diagnosed her with depression and set her on a course of medication.
At this time I had moved out to give her space to think about the relationship and to get her to find herself again.
Not going to lie but I wasn’t the greatest at the space thing as I would text her occasionally during the day and call her to make sure she was ok as I was worried about her being on medication to help with her mental illness.
I moved back home at the end of the second week and proceeded to have conversations with her even though she didn’t want to as I had questions that needed answering and the only person who could give me them was her. I pushed a little bit to hard and she ended it with me so to stop me from going on about it. That crushed me like nothing ever has and out of anger I called our son into the living room to tell him what had happened and he screamed the house down and as I looked at her she still had that vacant look and not a single tear as her son was in absolute agony which I found strange.
The next morning I asked her if she really wanted this and she said she wasn’t sure and I agreed to move back out again on the advice of her employee assistance programme.
She was told to take this time to use her own thoughts and not let anyone make her mind up for her which was understandable.
I behaved much better this time and went 4 days without contacting her apart from talking to my son and I felt good about it.
Turns out she never used this time to think about our relationship but instead used it to chill out and not give me a second thought.
This upset me greatly and bear to the end of the second week I called her up and ended it with her as I felt there was nothing left I could do.
She immediately accepted this and didn’t show any remorse or hurt for the 13 years we had together and still doesn’t appear to be upset about it all she says to me is that it’s a sad situation which I find such a cop out.she tells me she isn’t depressed no more but is still taking the tablets and still of work on the sick with depression.
What I’m getting at here is that I moved myself back home against her wishes to be with my son and show her that changes I’m willing to make without her thinking I’m doing it to force a positive reaction from her.
Does anyone have advice for a man who has issues with impatience and moans at the slightest thing even though he doesn’t want to, how long would cohabiting work when at the moment she doesn’t wanna talk to me about any of it as she says that as I’m in love with her I want this and that’s as she’s not in live with me she doesn’t want it.
She never even gave us a chance to work this out due to being restricted by lockdown and me not living there.
Am I looking to use the depression as the reason she doesn’t want to try?
Once we are back on talking terms as a family do I then implement the changes or do I start straight away and go for it.
- 09/06/2020 at 5:52 am #129910
Sorry for a late reply.
When I read your post the main thing I took from it was that it reads that your wife is being affected by depression.
I didn’t really fully understand depression and what it can do. From my understanding and experience its maybe responsible and definitely one of the biggest factors in almost everything you describe.
Ignoring covid and lock-in…because lets face it they have been ridiculous .. everyone has had problems.
Your biggest priority is that 6yo. Helping your wife get out of that bad place feels like the only way forward. I would definitely spend ages reading up on depression, there are really big DO’s and DON’Ts (there are quite a few DON’Ts in your post) and then you probably need to prepare yourself for many months of really patient and winding your neck in. If it doesn’t work, at least you’ll always know you did the right thing
Remember people in depression think and say things that they wouldn’t normally think. Its like a different personality. Best example I read is “what do you think someone is thinking about when they are drowning”
best of luck.