Need help/advice or something

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  AG5491 4 weeks ago.

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  • #25509

    Iain
    Participant

    So I have an issue…. My son who is 10 has started playing up for his mum being rude shouting and generally ‘being difficult’ me and his mum are not together and haven’t been for a long time I’ve recently started a new job which doesn’t allow me loads of time off tbh which isn’t ideal but I ALWAYS give my son a day I’m off and am coming to see him (have to ask mum first though) recently he’s started saying I don’t care about him etc and that’s why he doesn’t see me often I have explained everything (new job required training and long hours) when I go to pick him up he never wants to do anything other than sit and watch TV which I won’t do I get him to come out and we play football or have a catch up and reconnect and he opens up to me (so I thought) but I saw him 11 days ago and told him I wouldn’t be able to come over for a couple of weeks cos of my shifts and training we have tried texting eachother and he doesn’t respond much I even tried to ring him on breaks at work etc but he doesn’t talk he’s got changes in his life recently like his mum’s got a new baby, bf and they are moving home he’s also going to secondary school soon I’ve broken up with someone a while ago and I’m living with a friend till I’m sorted (hence the long hours) I got a call today saying my son’s crying because he doesn’t see me as much as he wants to and he’s started saying it’s cos I don’t care etc which is ridiculous cos he’s the world to me my ex has gone to my sister and my mum saying I’m not bothering with him and its genuinely starting to bother me I see him on my days off from work it’s all I can do I’m not sure what I need here but any opinions etc would be great

  • #25528

    Pete
    Participant

    It’s understandable that he’ll feel this way with the changes you’ve described and he’ll be looking to you to be the constant in his life. I know how tough it is trying to spread yourself everywhere you need to be and eventually something has got to give. I’m not sure what to advise, but in my case, I went from a full time reasonably well paid job to part time and though the difference in pay is considerable, I do manage to make up a good chunk of the difference in tax credits, housing benefit, etc, and though am not comfortable financially like before, the reduction in my stress and the stability and consistency for my kids is totally worth it. I’m not suggesting you do the same and if your ex claims the tax credits etc , it wouldn’t be so easy, but I would try come up with a long term plan and give your son something to look forward to. In the meantime, you perhaps need to allocate some time that you can commit to, keeping the commitment is a must in my opinion. It sounds like you have had some real quality time and shouldn’t be disheartened when it seems to no avail, I’m sure he appreciated it, but when he’s feeling lost, he’ll want more of your time and just as you may feel out of control of your availability, he will feel frustration too.
    If you can set some dates, then maybe involve him in planning what you will do, make an agreement and stick to it. He could have his own diary that you put these in for him to look at for reassurance until the times you meet. Being active may be better than watching TV, but sitting down to watch a film together can be a great bonding experience too, appealing to his interests will probably go a long way.
    You may have the added obstacle of being talked about negatively, but as long as you keep showing willing, your son will acknowledge it and be able to separate tales from the truth.
    I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide.

  • #25530

    Iain
    Participant

    When we are together he chooses what we do activities wise it’s not practical for us to do the TV thing as i don’t currently have my own place and being at his is hard as there’s 3 kids under 4 there too I give him dates but at work I’m on a relief contract so do easily 50 hours a week my shifts change all the time too which doesn’t help at all it’s frustrating my hours will go down for a bit now cos as I said I had training to do which was again long hours I also don’t have set days off it changes week to week his mum keeps saying I don’t see him cos I’m lazy which is crappy for him to hear cos I’m not at all the earliest I finish at night is 7pm he goes bed at 8 on a school night he also lives 1 hour away which is a pain

  • #25532

    Pete
    Participant

    That sounds tough, but whatever your days off, though they may vary, you can at least plan to spend time with him when possible? Maybe if watching TV isn’t possible, what about the cinema? I don’t know what I would do, but some kind of plan written down might help. Do you get many weekends off? How about annual leave? Maybe if you are able, a few days away in school holidays could be really good for bonding. I really hope you can both get through it, hopefully once you get a place sorted things can improve.

  • #25534

    Iain
    Participant

    We have plans for cinema for avengers end game when I get paid, I get 1 in 6 weekends off I take him museum cos he really likes it we play Pokémon go together that’s out big thing together usually now it’s warmer weather annual leave is different as I have to gain it first and I’m using that near his birthday as I’m gonna be looking after him as his mum’s away I’m teaching him football cos it’s something he asked me to do as well it’s hard cos even though he decides what we do and we have fun, laugh and such he seems to keep going back to his mum and saying he hates it etc… That’s the most hurtful thing about it and also to that my ex is trying to play my sister’s against me as well by making out I’m not bothering which causes me crap and drama from them and it’s starting to affect me we literally had a conversation to do with this stuff then next minute she’s bad mouthing me to my sister’s and they start having a go as well

  • #25536

    Pete
    Participant

    Well it sounds like you’re already doing all you can for your son, I guess it’s more about getting the other adults to behave like adults! I know how complicated that can be, all I would say is continue being the reasonable one and keep at the angle of what’s best for your son when challenging them as diplomatically as you can. Don’t know what else to say but I’ve been there and am thankful that all the adults here are putting kids before their own feelings, it’s taken some time!

  • #25538

    Iain
    Participant

    I fully get that kids need time I tell him things I’m planning to do and when I can’t make other people act right I know that he tells me conversations he’s heard about me which pisses me off especially when I’ve told my ex about it before I fully appreciate your replies Pete and you genuinely don’t know how much they have helped

  • #25540

    Pete
    Participant

    I don’t doubt it and I do understand, the past few years have been complicated and stressful for me, but the past year or so things have fallen into place with some determination and communication, I hope you get there too. I’m sure you already remind her that inappropriate conversations are harmful to your son emotionally, that him seeing you working together for his benefit is the best outcome for him, but a few reminders probably won’t hurt!

  • #25542

    Iain
    Participant

    I do and I shall do so again I need to be a bit more firm tbh

  • #25555

    Al Ferguson
    Keymaster

    I’d have a chat with his mum about the way she’s speaking to your son. It sounds like you’re doing what you can. Will work die down a little once you’ve settled in more giving you mire time?

  • #25558

    Iain
    Participant

    Yeah it will after my training is done with which they both know about I won’t need to do all the extra hours

  • #25560

    Iain
    Participant

    Im gonna ask my boss if I can have 1 set day off each week too and see what they can do

  • #25662

    Lauren Hall
    Participant

    If worst comes to the worst with regards to your shifts…. Even though you don’t seem to have difficulties gaining access to your son from his mother; If you can find the cash to just go as far as mediation with a Solicitor (would cost equivalent of maybe 1/2 hours? It is also something she can not refuse to attend – it’s legally mandatory) then your employer is legally bound to allow you the time off for whatever access you have agreed via mediation. It holds as much weight as a court order and by law, employers HAVE to allow time off for court ordered child access.

  • #25762

    AG5491
    Participant

    Hi I am new to this blog and I need some advice. I have a contentious relationship with my 12 year old son and today it reaching a boiling point and went to where I thought it would not get to… , I punched him. I feel aweful and I don’t know if I can ever repair my relationship with my son. Any advise?

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