[Dante]

Hi there dads.

Im new to the forums so i thought id just go for it with a post. Im 29, have a daughter from a previous relationship (the mother was bad news, won back the right to see my daughter in court though and the mother was looked down upon very much by judge) and i have my little boy who is just creeping on 8 months.

Due to the pandemic i have not seen my daughter in quite a while, but i am very sure, and so are therapists, my issues are nothing to do with that.

Basically, early on into my sons birth (around the 2 month mark) i just broke down. I felt like i couldn’t hold him, that hew was too much for me to ‘deal with’ he scared me when he cried and i felt like my partner was just flinging him onto me when he was crying. Now i know thats quite normal and we did get through the early stages, (he is absolutely perfect now) but i developed just a sheer upset in myself. I had to resort to isolating myself (whilst in the isolation from pandemic) in the house. I couldnt be near my partner or son as i would freak out with all kinds of thoughts. Most i just couldnt comprehend.

For example,

Why are we ‘as humans’ or ‘myself’ here?.. What is the purpose?
How strange life is in general and whats the point?
Am i real?
Why everything?

Now i moved past this a little bit around 2 months ago, i went back to work and have kind of built myself back up. (the lockdown had eased and we had people come round more and i saw friends as so did my partner)

The thoughts were still ‘kind of’ there, but not noticeable. Not like before where panic attack after panic attack and sweating and hard to breath all kicked in, daily. They had dispersed and i felt a little bit more myself, and i was relieved after trying to research on net all the multiple different reasons to maybe why i was like this (bad move, i was dying apparently, that didnt help anxiety)

Fast forward to around a week ago, and they are all back. My thoughts, the terrifying thoughts of topping myself as its too much, the sheer worry of leaving the house as its my ‘safe zone’. Just the whole thing.

I resorted to drinking (not getting hammered, just a light merry state) to try ease myself a bit thinking i just needed to relax, but i have gained a fair bit of weight from that, im usually meant to be quite the fit type but now i feel like a semi alcoholic slob and kind of worthless unless i lean on some kind of crutch which evidently is bad for me, add on my mental state and its a recipe for disaster. I cant have this for my son or my partner when i almost go through without casualty to myself.

The point of this post is im just looking for anyone who might have had a similar situation, who knows what im on about and just clarify im not on my own here. Its like im trying to keep my head above water, while forgetting how to swim.

Any advice or help i would greatly appreciate, so i can move past this and hopefully be able to return the favour to someone else one day, and get them through crap.

[WG]

Hi there Dante – sounds like you’re going through a really tough time of it.

I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering. It’s great that you are seeking professional help, definitely keep going with that.

Your kids are lucky to have you. You are the only father they will ever have and when times get hard, try to remind yourself that is the only job that really matters!

It’s a brave move to share your inner feelings like you have. Something I have learned about people (and other men espresso) is that everyone is dealing with feelings of fear, self loathing and confusion to some extent. Anyone who appears to have it all worked out is just better at hiding it.

I’m finding it really powerful at the moment to try to separate my negative thoughts and fears about the past and future from the real human me. And if that fails I don’t try to block out bad feelings, I just let them happen and try to observe them.

A couple of books that have changed my thinking/my life are:

The Chimp Paradox

The Power of Now.

Just remember no matter how bad it seems at any moment, everything will pass.

WG

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