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Hi all, my name is Dave and I need your advice folks.
Apologies if this is in the wrong area and for the length of my post but its all context.
Since 2000 I’ve suffered periodically from anxiety and depression after initially not coming to terms with my eldest daughter’s disability who was born in 1997 with cerebral palsy. Episodes of depression for me meant becoming withdrawn, quiet, sad, tearful and lacking motivation and would last for 3 – 4 weeks at their worst. Outside of these acute episodes I have my good and bad days like anyone else.
In 2010 my ex decided she didn’t want to be with someone anymore who could sometimes have ill mental health so she had an affair. Things fell apart pretty quickly after I discovered the affair and the arse fell out of my world. We tried living as ’friends’ because I didn’t want to leave my kids or home, but it broke my heart seeing the ex running off every five minutes to see the boyfriend and she showed me no compassion. I lasted two weeks, it was mental torture and I felt I had to move out. Our daughters were 7 and 13 at the time and too young to understand what was going on so we just told them that mum and dad weren’t getting on.
I work in the building trade and so the house was most definitely my castle, not just somewhere to kip. I wanted our girls to have a secure home so I made no effort to realise my share of the family home after I moved out. Because of my financial situation I couldn’t afford my own place, so I have lived, much to my shame and embarrassment, with my folks ever since. Soon after moving out I couldn’t cope with it all and attempted suicide. Fortunately I didn’t succeed but it took me a few months to recover before I could get back to work. Whilst I was recovering I started to hear lies about me from friends that the ex was spreading. I had my kids say to me that the ex had said I wasn’t a good person because I wasn’t giving her money and that I had abandoned them. As soon as I was back to work I paid above and beyond the level set by the CMS because why wouldn’t I, they’re my kids. I carried on paying for our eldest beyond when she reached 20 because her condition warrants extra support and now our youngest is at uni I’m helping her financially too.
In the divorce (2015) her barrister argued that my ex would need the lion’s share of the equity because she would always be our eldest daughters primary carer, consequently would not be able to work, and would need to buy a house for them both. I couldn’t afford legal representation but I tried to argue that in our daughter’s most recent educational review, that all of us had agreed that we saw no reason why our daughter shouldn’t be able to live some sort of semi- independent life when she was older. The judge wasn’t interested. The ex was awarded 80% of the equity. We agreed to sell the house when our youngest finished her uni education which will be in two years’ time (2024).
I’ve always seen my kids regularly and supported them in everything they do but it kills me that I’ve not been able to give my kids a home with me and have them under the protection of my own roof for the last twelve years; I feel I’ve let them down massively. Christmas is particularly hard as I used to love that time when we were all together in the home.
Fast forward to now and it’s all come to a head. The ex is getting remarried (not to the fella she had the affair with) and wants to move her new fella into the house. She proposes that when he sells his house that he’ll buy me out of my 20%. The ex has already told me with glee how they are going to renovate the house. This is really hard for me because the selling of the house would have given me closure on the whole saga, now I have to deal with him moving into the house and knocking it all about. The thought of them all together in the home for holidays and big family events with me on the outside is so hard.
Our eldest now lives semi-independently nearby to me, the ex is no longer her carer and works full time. I contacted a solicitor to see if some sort of variance was in order due to the change in circumstance, nothing doing. I asked if I could force the sale of the house as that’s what we agreed in the financial order of the divorce, again nothing doing; a judge would only care about my financial interest being fulfilled so he would instruct me to take the new husband’s money. For info, the 20% I’m due is not enough to buy a house and if I used it solely for private rent on a two bed place it would be gone in four years; not much to show for twenty years together creating two lovely family homes.
It’s obvious from various conversations that the ex had this planned out and had spoken to solicitors months and months ago; I’ve been played like a fiddle and feel backed into a corner. I have a great relationship with my kids, who are now 25 and 19, and I have never bad mouthed their mum to them and always vowed I would never spill the beans on her. I look after my mental health really well and haven’t been seriously unwell since the attempted suicide, but I feel a total mess right now. The kids have noticed I’m a bit off and so I’m tempted to tell them everything, but I’m not sure it would make things any better. Would I be telling them because I genuinely want them to understand my side of the story or because I want to spite the ex?
Do I keep quiet and suffer in silence and protect the relationships between our girls and their mum, or do I speak up and risk it all blowing up in my face? My sister reckons I should spill the beans but I’m just not sure.
Don’t know what to do. Any wise counsel gratefully received.
Hey,
Interesting story. Your ex sounds like a right piece of work that has bent you over a barrel.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve clearly been a great dad to your kids and done your best. I say don’t suffer in silence. Sometimes you have to limit the damage done by people in order to survive and thrive going forward.
Don’t worry about other people, apart from your kids. Your ex will do whatever she is going to do with whoever she wants. It will be hard on you if you let it.
All you can do is your best and it sounds like you have done that. Therapy is great for clearing your head and helping you see the right path, there is no stigma in admitting that you’re only human, even if your kids think your superdad!
Hey,
Your ex sounds like a right piece of work that has bent you over a barrel.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve clearly been a great dad to your kids and done your best. I say don’t suffer in silence. Sometimes you have to limit the damage done by people in order to survive and thrive going forward.
Don’t worry about other people, apart from your kids. Your ex will do whatever she is going to do with whoever she wants. It will be hard on you if you let it.
All you can do is your best and it sounds like you have done that. Therapy is great for clearing your head and helping you see the right path, there is no stigma in admitting that you’re only human, even if your kids think your superdad!
Hi Dave,
I totally get part of what you described, my wife (soon to be ex) also didn’t gave me any support when I became depressed after my father died. Worse than not supporting me, she was making matters worse every day, because since she was annoyed that I wasn’t the usual happy, optimistic guy that I was before depression, she was starting arguments on a daily for each and any reason possible. She was getting more and more abusive, the more I got depressed and she destroyed the relationship we had. I will go into more detail on a specific post asking for advice for myself, but now focusing on you, I’ll tell you what I know about someone on your situation, and which things in my experience, you should and which things you shouldn’t do.
Regarding mental health, as you said you already experienced suicide ideation in the past, and since you are depressed, it’s possible that you experience it again. On this specific note, pls remind yourself everyday of all the persons that would be devastated if you killed yourself, and the ones who depend on you or may depend one day. If you cannot find a reson to don’t hurt yourself for you own good, at least don’t hurt yourself for the good of the ones you love and care about. You daughters love you and they need you or they may need you, and probably there are other persons out there, that also love you and may also need you. What would happen to your disabled daughter if her situation got worse and you are not there to help? What if something happens to your younger daughter, if she needs help? Don’t give up bro, your daughters will need you many times in the future, stay alive and step up when they need you, like the great dad you are.
Regarding mental health, on a more general note, seek professional help if you can, but if you cannot afford, it’s not the end of it either. There are support groups with people that can help you, and if there aren’t in your zone, I’ll tell you a bit of what I did to keep sanity at my lowest. I was struggling with depression and financial problems where I live (for now, I’ll change soon). It’s a small town in the country of my wife, I don’t speak the language, all my aquaintances here, are people that I met through my wife, therefore I had no one to speak personally and could not afford mental health care. I remembered that my wife used to say that marriage is like jail, and that’s what lead me to the solutions I found to keep sane. I researched and found that inmates living in highly depressive environments, keep sanity through exercising, writing, reading, and keeping a disciplined schedule. That’s what I did, I started waking up 2 hours before I had to work to exercise, and 2 hours after work. I started reading more and writing down what I feel. That helped a lot. I also started spending more time on my hobbies, and getting in touch with family and friends, and that is what helped the most. I shared what I was going through, the hell that I was living, and people who love me cared, offered advice and stated they would be there for me no matter what. Some where mates I hadn’t spoken with for some years, but they were there when I needed. For your own good, pls talk with someone, don’t let it boil inside you, things that you don’t share seem bigger than they actually are. Another great advice is to go cold turkey on your vices. I don’t know if you are into alcohol, weed, pills, prostitutes, gambling or anything else, (me personally, I had my struggles in the past with booze, weed and prostitutes), but whatever vices you have, pls stop them completely. I had quitted prostitutes and weed years before I got depressed, and I had the drinking habit under control, but I stopped it entirely, not even a drop of beer, and it helped a lot. Other very good advice is, do not take any major decision without discussing it with at least one of the persons that you really trust. Remember that your head is not 100%, so don’t take major decisions without running the idea by someone else whose not struggling with mental health at the moment.
As for telling your daughters what happened, my advice is, pls do if they are grown up. They are your daughters, they deserve to know the truth about their mum, and they deserve to know the truth about you. My mum and my dad told me the things that they did to each other after getting divorced, and although I was too young back then (aged 15), it helped me to understand them. Sure, they looked more flawed but they looked human. They both did mistakes, but they both had a couple of good reasons to divorce. Pls tell it all to your daughters, you owed that to them and to yourself.
As for the thing of the house, try to have it your way on the Court, but if you cannot, don’t overthink it. If your ex gets it her way, after you put up a fight, it doesn’t matter, it’s just a house. If her new guy starts messing the house don’t sweat it, remember he is living with your ex, so he will probably suffer at a certain point what you suffered. Feel bad for the guy, he has to live with your ex on a daily, and if your ex is the piece of work you say, no man deserves that. If your ex is the piece of work you say she is, all I can say is hearts and prayers for that mate, he has some dark times ahead.
Pls remember that there are thousands of men all over the world who went through what you are going through, and lots of men made it through and are now living happy lifes. It’s possible to be happy after passing what you are passing right now, don’t lose the faith in the future.
Good luck at this tough moment of your life, and if you need any further advice, or if you just want to share some more, pls do so, you are not alone.
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