[Michael]

It’s been three years since I have seen my teenage children since I split with their mother. I was suffering with depression due to work issues and my father dying with Alzheimers. I had an affair which turned out to be love and so I broke up my marriage. Whilst I totally accept my behaviour is not going to win me any friends I am severely struggling with not being able to have any contact with my children (now aged 18 & 21) either by phone / text / in person… after 3 years it feels like it may aswell just happened. I am suffering from depression and anxiety and feel as low now as I have ever done… just need some neutral opinion from the forum please…

[Monarch04]

I assume your childfren have chosen not to see you, due to their age there is no legal way to enforce this either.
Im not going to bash you as affairs are never black and white despite what people would like to think.
It’s hard to advise you without knowing what reasons your children are giving – was it a very bitter break up? have you been fair finacially towarards thier Mum during that process?
I understand your feelings, my Husbands oldest from his first marriage has chosen to cut him off completley and the middle child is not that far behind (only apearing when he needs help wth something or money) his relationship with the youngest is ok.
It’s very tough and of course you are up against other inlfuences in how your children are interpreting everything you have done and the creation of the person you really are.
The biggest probelm for my Husband is that they are encouraged to focus on the negative and there is no encouragement for any positive feelings – amything postive over their lifetime has been wiped.
There isn’t an over night fix for this, be available, send birthday cards etc but in the mean time try and get on with your life the best you can.
My Husbands councellor said that the change is likely to only come once they leave the nest and are able to consider forging a relationship with you where they feel less guilty for being diss loyal to their Mum, when under her roof and still realiant on her means they will not rock that boat.
sending you supoort – I am a divorced Mum myslef and it makes me soo angry that children feel they can’t love both their parents without back lash.
Also I should say I had a fractious relationship with my father, but now as an adult we are in a good place and I wish I had let go of the past feelings years ago, what a waste that was – they will come round one day just make peace with yourself that it won’t be soon

[Dan Marchant]

Have you tried to make contact with them?

If not make try sending them a message, try to arrange a meet up?

[Carl Meyer]

Hi Michael,

I admire your honesty of the affair as you could have left that bit out but chose not to. It paints the picture of why it’s difficult. Unfortunately, by having an affair on their mother, you’ve effectively had an affair on your kids too. It’s the harsh truth but if you treat it that way, then you may have more sorrow towards them.
Usually these things come with time, but it seems that 3 years is long enough. It’s time to reach out and own up to your mistakes and show them that you are still their loving father.
Also, in terms of the depression and anxiety, have you seen a doctor or anything about them? Mental health is a scary thing and I’d hate to here about anything bad happening to anyone. Please get that checked out. If not, there are ‘over the counter’ things you can take to ease the pain of anxiety.

Anyway, I honestly hope this all goes well,

Carl.

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