Here’s why you shouldn’t forget that Dads have miscarriages too

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I’ve had 6 miscarriages in total.

5 consecutively.

I’ve shared my experiences very publicly having written about each one.

I’ve made videos sharing my inner most feelings during those times.

But I’ve also been told to ‘man up.’

I’ve been told to ‘get over it.’

And I’m fully confident in saying that dads are nearly always sidelined when miscarriage is concerned.

This week is Baby Loss Awareness Week and I for one am determined not to let Dads go unnoticed.

I reached out to the Dads in The Dad Network to find out how they felt when they’d experienced miscarriage but also how they felt others treated them. The comments were truly eye opening, even for me.

These comments highlights, why more than we know, we simply cannot forget that Dads experience miscarriages too.

Sadly, we lost our first pregnancy to miscarriage and it knocked me for six. However at the time I wasn’t allowed to mourn, when I suggest to friends and family I found it hard, I was told to man up and support my wife. I still haven’t dealt with it, it was eight years ago, we have three great kids now. But I sometimes think what if.
I can’t tell the wife, I think she knows, but it was so hard for her, weeks off work. The guilt she had. I don’t want to make her feel worse. Perhaps something I’ll always keep mostly to myself

I have lost one child at 3 days old and I’m not over it 10 years later. It hurts less as time goes on and it makes me appreciate the children I have now and treasure every moment.

We lost 3 before we had Esme, and there is nothing to help the men out there, and society doesn’t seem to care. If there was no support for a woman going through it there would be uproar.

After finding out I had issues conceiving, my wife and I made a decision to do surgery to give us hope.

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On our first IVF try we became pregnant and we’re ecstatic. We got scheduled for an ultrasound. The look on dr face said it all. They tried to be optimistic but told the us the possibility. We had to drive 5 hours home from that appointment only to come back the next week to find out we lost our baby. It was the most devastating thing to happen. I didn’t have time to cope as my wife took it extremely hard and my time was focused on consoling her and ignoring my needs. I’m still not over it. We had another miscarriage last year. It takes a part of you that you can’t get back. After thousands of dollars we currently are pregnant and expecting our rainbow baby in December. This has been so nerve racking 7 months.

We’ve had 2 miscarriages this year. I felt as though because my wife was suffering both emotional and physical grief, that my grief was almost unjustified. Family and friends would constantly be asking how the wife was but honestly not one asked how I was. It’s sad but I dealt with it all and was a rock to my wife when she needed it the most. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Been through it 6 times, but have an daughter. Not sure of we will ever get to kido no2. Partially given up. I remember there were times I couldn’t go to the hospital due to work and the work situation I was in at the time but then to be told on the phone it’s not great.

The whole day then just turns upside down, with no one to turn too. Thinking back at it, kinda of had to park any feelings to make sure misses was all well as well as deal with how to move forward and going through the hoops of investigations.

We had two miscarriages before my son. One was on christmas too. Never talk about it tho. Hurts.

When it happened to us people (mainly men) actually said ‘well it’s upsetting for *wife* isn’t it’.

Which is fine but it was said I’m a way that was insinuating I should just get on with it and care for her feelings.

The first two were very traumatic. The first one I came home from work to a bloodbath in my bathroom. The second my partner needed an emergency blood transfusion and we had a burial for the foetus. This made it harder as we could see the eyes and limbs of the baby. This attitude that men don’t mentally suffer from it has to stop.

We had so many I had to stop counting, couldn’t take it anymore.
There is sod all support for dads when it comes to miscarriage, just had to stay strong for the wife, and when I knew she and kids were all asleep I would head downstairs and cry my eyes out.

There really needs to be something in place for both parents when this happens.
Yes it’s almost certainly worse for her considering the fact that she will still have pregnancy symptoms for a wee while to act as a harsh reminder.
But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect us.

My wife and I lost our first child 3 months into pregnancy. Still not over it. You never will be. The face that you will never see that child’s face or hold that child in your arms is something that is scarred in you forever.

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I still remember that day in the ultrasound room. When the tech said those awful words “I can’t find a heartbeat” my wife and I were devastated. I sat up in our child’s room holding their first onesie crying my eyes out. Granted because of that I would it have my two boys now. But still to this day, things bring it up and reminds me of it. It’s hits to write this. This was 5 years ago.

We lost the first one before my amazing daughter and the other day I suddenly realized I have in no way dealt with it. And I don’t know how or when I will be able to. It scares me. I know at some point I’ll be forced to in the worst way, but i just cannot face the feeling of loss for the little creature that I will never meet.

There you have real dads talking about their real emotions. To be frank, when you read quotes like these, it paints a pretty bleak scene for us dads. It’s true, there’s next to no support in place.

Maybe this week, more so than any because of baby loss awareness week, make an effort to speak to a dad that you  know about their experience of miscarriage.

Here’s how to start off the conversation:

‘I don’t really know what to say, but if you wanna talk, I’m happy to listen.’

And that will more than likely be enough.

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1 Comment

  1. Joan Stump

    I was working as a nurse in the delivery room when we lost our daughter at 35 weeks- one of the “best” memories I have of the aftermath, was that a physician I worked with (not my doctor) came and sat with both of us, and said directly to my husband- “And how are YOU feeling?” It’s been 38 years, but i have never for got this simple act of kindness.

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