9 Inanimate Objects I have Actually Hated as a Dad

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Inanimate Objects

I remember when the house was relatively sparse. I could see the living room floor, the doors would open fully and the only colour in the bathroom was from the towels rather than the array of brightly coloured water toys scattered around. Over the past year, the house has slowly filled up with a large quantity of stuff. Some, essential, useful and valuable but most of it irritating and annoying. Even some of the objects that I used to like (or rather not dislike) have now become the bane of my life!

#1 The bedroom door – you know the feeling. It’s taken what seems like hours to get the baby to sleep. Finally, you creep away from the cot, locate the door and attempt to open it silently. At that precise moment, you suddenly have THE noisiest door known to mankind. Cue screaming baby.

#2 The label on Ted’s rug – I needed to include a photo of this one to show you exactly what I’m talking about. Why does it need to be the size of a …. And why oh why does it need to stick itself to my foot every time I am doing the above-mentioned creep away from the cot.

#3 The doorbell – enough said. We removed the batteries from ours. I suggest you do the same.

#4 The Anbesol bottle – Now, anyone that reads my blog regularly will know that I adore my wife. But….why on earth can’t she put the bloody lid on the Anbesol bottle. If Gordon Ramsey came round to ours with his special glow sticks he’d see the carpet is made from 80% spilt teething liquids.

#5 The blackout blind – Not just any old blackout blind I’ll have you know. Oh no. A custom made, top of the range blackout blind. It cost a fortune. Nothing too good for my precious newborn son. Except it’s shit. Light comes in the sides. Light comes over the top. Even with the blackout blind and the additional ( also hand-made) blackout curtains, the room is still not blacked out. Go figure!

#6 The array of rainbow coloured plastic crap that never shuts the hell up – Haven’t these companies heard of volume control? Can’t they use voices of a lower pitch, or that are a little less whiny? Haven’t they heard the well known saying – silence is golden. Platinum when your baby is asleep and you want them to stay that way.

#7 Suctioned weaning bowls – I hate mess. And I particularly hate weaning mess. These bowls seem like the dream weaning gadget. The bowl cannot be thrown across the room, littering its brightly coloured, and highly staining contents across the room. Except they can. It seems the suction system isn’t even capable of outwitting a six month old. Either Ted is incredibly strong and muscular (like his father) or these bowls are crap.

#8 Jugs of hot water – We have been to many restaurants that will not allow you to microwave your baby’s milk. Instead they offer you a jug of boiling water to warm your bottle in. Great. Except that for some reason these jugs decide to either warm your milk at snails pace whilst we all sit there, blood boiling faster than the milk or they take milk from cold to scalding within 10 seconds., the result being the baby not being able to drink the milk for a good half hour. Either way- it will cause rows and a very unhappy baby!

#9 Calpol – Now the little syringe thing might tell you there is only 5ml of Calpol in there but you just wait – The moment that stuff leaves the plastic cylinder it multiplies tenfold. One ‘5ml’ syringe can cover a baby, the baby grow, a bed sheet, a muslin, a favourite blanky and both parents. Be warned. It has unknown powers.


God knows what else is going to cross my paths and wind me up something chronic. I’m bracing myself though! What does it for you? What normal everyday items now drive you insane since becoming a parent?

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  1. Helena Ashworth

    I think I’d add telephone to the list. In that people phone you when you’re just about to get baby fast asleep and then it rings startling your little one.

    • Al Ferguson

      Yep, very true. That def needs to be on there :)

  2. Rhys32

    Another about the door is if you do manage to get the room completely black out and the landing is all dark. Beware in case the door is open whilst you escape.

    Door edges are not soft

  3. Rhys32

    Things I’d add… probably the selection of cutlery and plates and bowls and not this one but that one which makes even the most swiftly platable meal an episode of who wants to be a millionaire with every lifeline of 50:50, phone a friend and ask the audience exhausted before we settle on the right bowl, cup plate cutlery combo.

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