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DDP1268

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    • #131556
      DDP1268, b3f1ae4f382b00d08a506934042c6125?s=80&r=g%, %DDP1268
      Participant

      Sent you friend request which will presumably let me send you a PM

    • #130226
      DDP1268, b3f1ae4f382b00d08a506934042c6125?s=80&r=g%, %DDP1268
      Participant

      Not really advice but my experience and my opinion is this.

      For years I have totally compromised my home arrangements and jobs in order to be like clockwork for the contact time that I have scheduled.

      Sometimes the logistics of making that happen were a nightmare… inconvenient and expensive… sometimes nearly impossible.

      I don’t regret any of it and I’ll continue to do it. You only really have 4 and 3 years of being a ‘full scale’ dad left, after that they will go off and do their own thing. For that time I’d just make whatever compromise you need to make it work (making sure you don’t resent it) and enjoy it to the full.

      The issue of finance etc is pretty difficult and the system isn’t fair. It’s just another pill you have to swallow to make it work.

      You’ll never be sat in your old folks home regretting the choice to spend these years with your kids.

      There’s no bigger compliment than them wanting to stay with you

    • #129910
      DDP1268, b3f1ae4f382b00d08a506934042c6125?s=80&r=g%, %DDP1268
      Participant

      Hi Mate

      Sorry for a late reply.

      When I read your post the main thing I took from it was that it reads that your wife is being affected by depression.

      I didn’t really fully understand depression and what it can do. From my understanding and experience its maybe responsible and definitely one of the biggest factors in almost everything you describe.

      Ignoring covid and lock-in…because lets face it they have been ridiculous .. everyone has had problems.

      Your biggest priority is that 6yo. Helping your wife get out of that bad place feels like the only way forward. I would definitely spend ages reading up on depression, there are really big DO’s and DON’Ts (there are quite a few DON’Ts in your post) and then you probably need to prepare yourself for many months of really patient and winding your neck in. If it doesn’t work, at least you’ll always know you did the right thing

      Remember people in depression think and say things that they wouldn’t normally think. Its like a different personality. Best example I read is “what do you think someone is thinking about when they are drowning”

      best of luck.

    • #28501
      DDP1268, b3f1ae4f382b00d08a506934042c6125?s=80&r=g%, %DDP1268
      Participant

      Hi J

      It doesn’t say if you are married…I have assumed so. If not some of this doesn’t apply..you’d be in a grey area.

      Everyone would hope that your relationship would recover, there are much better people than me to post words of encouragement and tips. Counselling, help, negotiation etc these are all massively good things and should be at the absolute front of your mind/plan. I do genuinely wish the best for you.

      Meanwhile, from someone who has experienced a massively destructive breakup, here are some thoughts, if you do these things you may have a massively easier/better/less bad time. These are reflections of tragic outcomes, not suggested next steps!

      If your relationship is collapsing, you may not be able to judge how acrimonious it may get. As soon as you live apart and poison is whispered into ears things can change rapidly.

      1. Genuinely put your kids first in every decision. It doesn’t mean you get a worst deal, in fact it may mean you have to fight for a few years in their interest. Just make sure beyond any reasonable doubt that it is their best interest. Document what choices you make and why, tell the other party and keep a diary of your decisions and actions. Do a bit of research so you have the same understanding of ‘their best interest’ that a judge and Cafcass will use. Keep your evidence, evidence is everything in court, they don’t really give a toss about histrionics or oscar winning speeches.

      2. Don’t say or do anything you wouldn’t be proud to tell CAFCASS and a judge (or your child in a decade). Don’t be drawn into it. Certainly don’t write it down. Assume you are always being videoed or recorded somehow. This also reflects ‘just don’t become that person’. If it goes bad everything will be conspiring to bring out the worst in you.

      3. If it all goes south get some good advice before blowing everything you own on solicitors, even if the situation is unpleasant and fiercely contested. I listen to barristers advising their clients in loud pompous voices in court waiting rooms for £500 an hour. Its disgusting and sometimes they treat them like cattle and use a near ‘head or tails’ approach when negotiating. Its not difficult to act as a “Litigant in Person” saving virtually all court costs but it does carry significant risk if you get it wrong.

      4. The ongoing financial thing will define your life for 2 decades. This is a really difficult one. If you fight tooth and nail for everything, then rest assured that the CMS will make sure that you support your kids by a formulaic amount for 18yrs. If you give her everything then rest assured the CMS will make sure you support your kids by a formulaic amount for 18yrs. As a father you need to be strategic about this and make sure concessions and decisions reflect the fact that in a decade or so you will still may be paying mum 20%ish of your post tax income irrespective of how your lives have changed, how much you gave her or your current situation. Remember that CMS has nothing to do with the court financial outcome unless the relationship between the two is unambiguously Ordered. And the CMS? Don’t get me started. Its just not fit for purpose.

      I hope this isn’t relevant to you. I would be interested to see if other voices on the forum think this sort of talk is unhelpful or too dark.

      They say acrimonious divorce is in the top three most stressful things you are likely to experience. It really is.

    • #28499
      DDP1268, b3f1ae4f382b00d08a506934042c6125?s=80&r=g%, %DDP1268
      Participant

      Hi Tim,

      Is there a ‘direct message’ process on here? I have an almost comparable situation…but about 2yrs down the chain of woe.

      I appreciate that comments above don’t contribute much to the general thread….sorry!!

      In my experience/opinion, where there is an acrimonious breakup OP would be absolutely right to minimise chance of interactions. When the other party tries to break through this because they can’t deal without their drama, the real nightmare begins, police, non-molestation orders, cafcass.

      Also let’s not kid ourselves, all parts of the system is gravely bias towards the female in almost every regard.

    • #26939
      DDP1268, b3f1ae4f382b00d08a506934042c6125?s=80&r=g%, %DDP1268
      Participant

      Morning

      Here are a few thoughts

      I think blokes normally talk on forums about football and cars, I don’t think a blokes children site would ever catch fire like mumsnet but I do think its really important that this exists. I do like reading the day to day stuff.

      I read up on forums to try and deal with the negative aspects of being a dad that I had/have to deal with…Courts, CMS etc. For anyone affected, these are life changing and its where a bit of support or examples/experiences online can make a huge difference. The problem is that these aren’t easy or pleasant reading for people enjoying a honeymoon existence. The other problem is that it can be a difficult area for the website/forum to stray toward and it potentially creates an entirely new rubbernecker audience.

      Personally I would add this section to the forum, there are people out there looking for it.

      Also, stick a car and football section in….not being funny but if you can’t beat them, join them….maybe a joke section too and follow timing/trends with a fathers day section, summer hols section etc I know I’d like to talk about how much we spend on pressies, how often the kids should play computer games

    • #26056
      DDP1268, b3f1ae4f382b00d08a506934042c6125?s=80&r=g%, %DDP1268
      Participant

      Hi John

      I agree about the separate forum section.

      I like the ‘positive’ approach of this website but people will normally come to a site like this when they want to talk about something and its better if it has a clear place to sit.

      I would suggest sections (noting the first two are separate issues in court)

      Divorce – Finance
      Divorce – Custody
      CMS Matters
      Domestic abuse

      Or something like that, its all a bit ominous but its important.

      If those sections start to flourish I wonder how long before half of mumsnet invite themselves in for a snoop and then rant about what they see.

    • #26055
      DDP1268, b3f1ae4f382b00d08a506934042c6125?s=80&r=g%, %DDP1268
      Participant

      Is there a way of sending a private message on this system?

    • #25865
      DDP1268, b3f1ae4f382b00d08a506934042c6125?s=80&r=g%, %DDP1268
      Participant

      Hi Everyone

      I’m “DDP1268”, sorry for such a rubbish tag but if I am to get stuck into any discussions here I need to be anonymous, and using a false name didn’t feel right!

      I’m the dad of a lovely boy. It was good to see this website, I’ll have a good rummage and read some of the backposts.

      I have no idea where DDP1268 came from. It sounds like a star wars droid name.

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