Men and Miscarriage – A second miscarriage

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68 Comments

  1. Ryan Costello

    Ah mate this was horrible to read. I really feel for you and have no idea what to say to you all at the same time. Just hold Ted all the tighter tomorrow night and feel blessed that you have a beautiful and healthy and loved little boy in both of your lives already. I pray for you that you get another blessing eventually, when the times right. Chin up.

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for this mate. I appreciate it.

    • Richard burn

      Hi,

      Thanks for sharing your story.

      I have too been through the same thing, not twice like yourself.

      Weirdly my wife only asked me yesterday whether she mined us sharing our story (it happened about 10 months ago) as she is running a half marathon to raise money for the Grief Support Team at our local hospital who gave her great support after the miscarriage. My initial reaction was that I don’t mind sharing a bit of our story, but not the detail. Rightly or wrongly, I feel we have both moved on and dealt with it, to bring it all back up again and talk to all our friends and family and colleagues again, seems wrong……….. however sharing the story would probably help raise more money. And reading your article in which you have shared your story has questioned my gut thought. Perhaps sharing it is a better thing to do, rather than ignore it and move on! The latter in my eyes seems simpler, but I guess not for my wife who took the whole thing way worse than I did!

  2. Kerry

    Truly very sorry to read this. It’s a really horrible thing to have to go through. Thoughts are with you and your family xxx

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you Kerry, that is kind of you.

  3. Tim

    Al, that’s horrible news. I feel for both of you. As you say, you can know all the stats about how surprisingly common miscarriages are, but that’s of no comfort at a time like this.

    I can empathise with how you feel. My wife had three miscarriages before we finally conceived our first child after five years of trying. Each of those led to much hand-wringing, cursing of luck and wondering if there was something ‘wrong’ with one of us. I wouldn’t want to lessen the impact it has on the prospective mother but often the dad’s feelings are forgotten in all of this. We get affected by the loss too.

    Fingers crossed this doesn’t prevent you from trying again and succeeding.

    • Al Ferguson

      Tim, I am so sorry to hear about your experiences of miscarriage. Did you ever write about that 5 year period of your lives? I would be keen to read if so.
      Thank you for your kind words, fingers crossed here also.

  4. Not A Frumpy Mum

    I am so sorry you are going through this but thank you for writing. It is so important to remember men’s feelings too. Our situation is different to yours in that we can’t conceive a second but I know my husband feels the disappointment and frustration just as much as I do. Seeing his face when our IVF attempt failed is something that will stay with me forever.
    I hope you get your happy ending soon, thinking of you. x

    • Al Ferguson

      I am so sorry to read this. Thank you or your kind words. I hope the same for you. Is your husband part of TDN private forum? It’s a great place for dads to talk in private, if they want to, or just hear about others experiencing similar things. It might help?

  5. Mummybexm

    Luke and I are so sorry to read and hear about your’s and Jen’s loss, Al. There are no ‘right’ words to say so we will just offer our condolences and to be here if you need us.
    At least you have your more than perfect little Ted to make you smile every day x

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you Bex for your kind message. I hope that you are all well? Enjoying summer holidays?

  6. Jeni Dibley-Rouse

    So sorry for your loss this must of been very hard to write, I too have had 2 miscarriages and where possibly the worst times in my life. I’m glad your wrote this as no one talks about it and treats as some sort taboo subject when really it is very common. I know with my 2nd miscarriage already having Joe helped as he kept both of our spirts up and along with lots of family hugs it helped. Wishing you all well x

    • Al Ferguson

      Sorry to hear of your miscarriages Jeni and thank you for your kind words. I am definitely on a mission to break the taboos and increase an understanding that men suffer too. Thank you

  7. Mummy Fever

    Oh gosh – sorry to hear this. The stats don’t make it easier. I know first hand too. The date of mine is ingrained on my mind.

    Deep breath – I don’t think you ever forget, just gradually, somehow it becomes easier.

    Lots of love to you both x

    • Al Ferguson

      Sorry, I do hope this didn’t upset you. Sorry to hear of your loss too and thank you for your kind words.

  8. Agnes

    so sorry to hear that! I’ve had 3 miscarriages before I could finally carry my babygirl to term. two of those babies had to be ‘removed’ surgically by currettage. that was one of the most horrible things, something so private and hurtful could not be dealt with alone at home but had to be done in a hospital with annoying (‘it wasn’t a real baby yet’) and even very coldhearted staff (‘could you please stop crying silently, the pregnant woman in your room is disturbed by it’). It’s so sad for me that while I can talk about EVERYTHING in the world with my husband and tell him again and again the sadness I still sometimes feel even with my now healthy babygirl, I will never know for sure how it was for my husband. He won’t tell me, he won’t talk about it, now that babygirl is finally here ‘it’ doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t push him to talk about it but it makes me sad he doesn’t. Thank you for writing this article, maybe it encourages my husband a bit…

    • Al Ferguson

      I am so sorry to hear about your losses and your awful experience in the hospital. I find these stories very difficult to accept. Why is this happening to people? Surely the smallest of changes to the system would make it easier for everyone.
      I am sorry to hear that your husband does not wish to talk about it. I know that that is the case for many people in this situation. Please feel free to point him in TDN direction. We have a separate dads only section he might find useful/enjoyable.
      Sorry again.

  9. Martyn

    I am so sorry to read and hear this. There are no right words that anyone can say or do. I’m so sorry for both of you. Truly heartbreaking.

    I am always a click, message or a phone call away if you ever just need a chat. Will always be free and will always support you of you need it.

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you Martyn. I appreciate that. Thank you.

  10. Tommy

    So sorry to hear this Al and Jen. Wouldn’t wish this on anyone, least of all two amazing parents such as yourselves. There are no words to make this better but if either of you need a chat, I’m always here for you both. Thinking of you all

    • Al Ferguson

      Ah thanks mate. I appreciate that.

  11. Christina

    Big hug to you and your wife. There are no words or facts that will take away the pain or disappointment. I do have faith that you will have anthor baby or babies in the future but it does not take away the current heartache. Thank you for continuing to share your journey so that more men will understand that they are not alone. Big Hug!

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your kind words. That is my hope. Thank you

  12. Becster

    Oh my word I’m so sorry to hear and big hugs to you and Jen. I wish I knew what to say x

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your kind comment

  13. Charlie O'Brien

    You are NEVER stupid for getting excited. And having been through it before doesn’t make you any more prepared for the hideous and empty loss that is miscarriage. You are doing all the right things – hugging each other, being there for each other and talking openly about it. So sorry for your loss. Big love from one who completely understands xxx

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your lovely message and I am so sorry for your experience too.

  14. Sarah

    I’m so so sorry for your loss. I will never understand this cruel thing.

  15. Kristina Trick

    Sorry to hear this it really hits hard when it happens. A nurse told me I was lucky to have no pain and to go home and expect some bleeding. In no way did I feel lucky and then I had all the painful contractions and delivery the next day and I still feel so angry at the lack of information and emotional support. The only positive thing a can pull out from it is that it made me and my partner so much stronger together and I could tell from is obvious heartbreak he would make a fantastic father. Two years later we had a little girl and it makes you realize how precious life is.

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for this comment Kristina. I am sorry to hear of your loss. I agree with you and also feel a lot of anger towards the systems in place and the terminology and words used in this very sensitive situation. Yesterday we had to have the miscarriage confirmed and the whole process was hideous from start to finish. I’m hoping to do all I can to make changes to this. IS your partner part of TDN- sounds like we need him as a member :)

  16. Rosina

    Firstly, I am sorry to read of yours and Jen’s precious loss! A life affirming time is never easy and never makes sense! :-( I had my first loss in 2008 and my most recent 2 months ago… On both of mine I dealt with them alone…. So your genuine heart felt support and empathy for Jen is very heart warming and humbling to witness! She is a very lucky lady! You will be blessed again when you least expect it <3 Best Wishes!

    • Al Ferguson

      I am so sorry to read this and even more sorry that you dealt with them alone. Sorry :(
      Thank you for your kind words

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your kind message

  17. Hannah Budding Smiles

    Again Al, I’m just so sorry for yours, Jen’s and Teddy’s loss. I won’t attempt any words of wisdom because I haven’t got any, just know that my thoughts are with you all x

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your kind words

  18. Stephanie

    I’m so sorry for your loss, miscarriages are the worst thing to go through, we’ve had 3. Sending my love to you both xx

    • Al Ferguson

      I am sorry to hear that. I cannot imagine. Hoping this didn’t bring it all up for you :( Sorry. Thank you.

  19. Heledd - Running in Lavender

    I’m so very sorry that you and your beautiful wife are having to go through this nightmare again. Hug each other and your gorgeous boy. Sending my support and strength x

    • Al Ferguson

      We certainly will be doing lots of that. Thank you for your kind words

  20. Hannah Atkinson

    I’m so sorry to read this. Nothing makes it easier. Love to you both. I hope it happens for you soon x

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you. Hoping….

  21. Catie

    I totally understand how heartbreaking this is and you are so right it doesn’t matter how early/late it is or if you already have one child. The pain is the same. I hope you can find strength and peace in the warmth of your family. X

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your lovely comment Catie.

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your kind comment

  22. Janine Dolan

    I am so sorry to hear this. It’s so hard to go through this a second time. Comfort is very important now as you already said. Thinking of you 2. Xx

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you so much. The thing about the second is that it drags up all the feelings and emotions from the first again also. :(

  23. Rob

    Al I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Between our second and third children we went through a miscarriage as well and it was absolutely gut-wrenching. I can completely sympathize with your pain and heartache. It’s so hard and don’t feel like you can’t and shouldn’t grieve. You can and you should.

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your kind comment Rob and sorry to hear about your loss also.Did you ever write about it or decide to keep it private?

  24. Michelle

    I am so sorry to hear this but at the same time, grateful to hear it from a dad’s perspective. Your insight and feelings about your own experience with miscarriage is deeply appreciated. I am sorry for your loss.

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your kind comment

  25. Jodie

    i have no words. There are no words to make any of this better for you and Jen. Just know that you’re in my thoughts.

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your kind comment. I hope you and the girls are well?

  26. Mother Mands

    So sorry to read your news :( so brave of you to post this up, and so important that you have so other dads know they are not alone and that their feeling are not forgotten. Both parents grieve and both parents love their child no matter how far along x

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you. I wrote about the first in the hope it would help other dads, and also other mums realise what dads may or may not be feeling too. Since then I receive so many emails from dads that I knew it was important to write about this one too, no matter how hard! Thank you for your kind comment.

  27. Skipah

    Al, I went through two of them myself before I had my daughter. There are no “soothing” words. It flat out sucks and seeing your wife go through it humbles you to no end. As a husband and a man it sucks that you can’t defend your loved one from biology. I hope you are able to grieve yourself in your spare time and feel free to reach out to me if you need to vent.

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you for your kind comment and I am very sorry to hear you have experience of miscarriage too. Did you ever write about it?

  28. lynn @ More4mums

    So sorry to hear your loss. It is good to hear form a male persepective as many dads don’t know how to show their feelings at this difficult time.

  29. Jenny Barrett

    Ah I’m so sorry to read this. I’m glad you felt you could write about it, I’m sure it’s helped lots of people – I’m also sure that no one has read this without shedding some tears – both for you and for their own losses. It’s important to have these moments of refection from time to time I think, however tough they are. All I can say to you two at the moment is that my daughter was born on my 44th Birthday after lots of trys (she’s now 10 and my boys are 16 and 21 – do you get the picture?!?) . So I’d say…don’t give up hope, and I send you lots of love. Jenny X

  30. Mrs H

    Oh Al, reading this bought tears to my eyes. Miscarriage and baby loss are so tragic and heartbreaking. And knowing that you should be grateful for so many things can make the heartbreak worse. I am so sorry for your loss. I have had four miscarriages and I can understand the emptiness and fear that your wife will be experiencing. It is so hard. But know that you are not alone. There is a huge community of people giving you a virtual hug and supporting you. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  31. NewDadio

    It’s pants! I know friends and family who have suffered the same while we struggled in a different way – numerous failed IVF attempts.

    We’d been given a memory stick showing our little cells splitting and multiplying over the course of a few days only for IVF to fail a week later and you are just left completely empty, wondering what if, and even though you try not to get excited, all your plans are in complete disarray. Even at the early stage we were at, after trying for over 3 years whilst going through some very evasive appointments I found it hard at times to even contemplate “just one more go” but still felt I had to be strong – typical male macho attitude. That soon changed!

    We got there in the end :)

  32. Shoebox of M

    I’m sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story especially at such a raw time.

    I hope that you find the comfort and love you need to support each other. By writing about your feelings, hopes and fears you encourage others to do the same and in doing so help them feel less alone.

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