Men and Miscarriage - A second miscarriage, Men and Miscarriage taboo%, miscarriage, expecting%

Men and Miscarriage – A second miscarriage

Men and Miscarriage - A second miscarriage, Men and Miscarriage taboo 1024x812%, miscarriage, expecting%

Last night I went to bed the happiest man alive. I kissed my perfect baby boy goodnight and fell asleep with my beautiful wife in my arms, cherishing the secret that we had between us. Our secret – that after what seemed like a very long year of trying for a baby, she was pregnant. Very early stages, but 5 pregnancy tests confirmed it and we were beyond words over the moon. We had spent the last few weeks excited and relieved that it had finally happened, but also apprehensive of the future. We had been here twice before and once had been heart-breaking. As always I tried to focus us both on the positive and we fell asleep talking about our feelings and thoughts and excited for the future ahead.

This morning I woke for an important meeting in London. Just as I was about to leave the house my wife called for me. “Al, can you come here a sec” The over- relaxed tone to her voice instantly told me that something was wrong. I was right. She was bleeding. I was instantly transported to almost 2 years ago exactly, to the day we lost our first baby. August 31st 2013. My heart started racing, my throat went dry and time stood still. I wanted to tell my wife that it would be ok, that history wasn’t repeating itself. But I knew only too well what may lay ahead. We hugged, we kissed, we held on to each other tight and I told her that we would be fine, no matter what, as long as we had each other. What else could I say? We had to hope for the best.  But I felt the dull ache of the past reappear and heard the familiar voices in my head.

I went to my meetings in body but not fully in mind. My mind was with my wife, at home. As soon as I could I called her. I knew instantly that things were not ok and came straight home to find her putting on a brave face and trying to hold it together.

We put Teddy to bed, both kissed him goodnight as we always do and then sat together quietly holding hands. She was miscarrying. Again. She was in pain and I couldn’t help. She was hurting and I couldn’t fix it. Even having been here before did not prepare me. I was lost for the right words and felt useless. Once again I became overwhelmed with feelings of desperation and helplessness. I want to make everything right. I want to fix it. I can’t. I have to accept that I just can’t.

I feel angry. I feel upset. I feel hard-done-by.

I feel jealous. I feel bitter. I feel wronged.

I feel helpless. I feel powerless. I feel hurt.

I feel worried and fearful for the future.

I feel stupid for getting excited prematurely.

Why us? Why us again? Why me? Why my wife? She has been through so much. When is enough enough? When will life give her a break?

I know that we have a beautiful baby boy. For whom we are forever grateful. I know there are many that are not as fortunate as us and that we should be grateful for the child that we have together. We are. We adore him. We love him more than words could say. We cherish every day with him and never take him for granted.

I know that by having an early miscarriage, we were saved the upset of loosing the baby further down the line.

I know that years ago, pregnancies weren’t confirmed until much later and that today’s technology can be a hinderance as well as a blessing.

I know that it happens to so many people.

I know the stats.

I write about them.

I am quoted on them.

What I also know is that none of this makes it any easier.

No matter how early, no matter how common, no matter the statistical data, it hurts. It really bloody hurts.

 

It’s so important for dads have space to feel and share. A few dads have sent me their story and whilst it is so hard to write down, it helped both them and myself. If you want to upload your story, then click here and share it.

You can read about our first miscarriage here.

If you’ve experienced a miscarriage at any point, take a look at this infographic for some advice and support.

 

 

68 Comments

  • Ah mate this was horrible to read. I really feel for you and have no idea what to say to you all at the same time. Just hold Ted all the tighter tomorrow night and feel blessed that you have a beautiful and healthy and loved little boy in both of your lives already. I pray for you that you get another blessing eventually, when the times right. Chin up.

    • Thank you for this mate. I appreciate it.

    • Hi,

      Thanks for sharing your story.

      I have too been through the same thing, not twice like yourself.

      Weirdly my wife only asked me yesterday whether she mined us sharing our story (it happened about 10 months ago) as she is running a half marathon to raise money for the Grief Support Team at our local hospital who gave her great support after the miscarriage. My initial reaction was that I don’t mind sharing a bit of our story, but not the detail. Rightly or wrongly, I feel we have both moved on and dealt with it, to bring it all back up again and talk to all our friends and family and colleagues again, seems wrong……….. however sharing the story would probably help raise more money. And reading your article in which you have shared your story has questioned my gut thought. Perhaps sharing it is a better thing to do, rather than ignore it and move on! The latter in my eyes seems simpler, but I guess not for my wife who took the whole thing way worse than I did!

  • Truly very sorry to read this. It’s a really horrible thing to have to go through. Thoughts are with you and your family xxx

  • Al, that’s horrible news. I feel for both of you. As you say, you can know all the stats about how surprisingly common miscarriages are, but that’s of no comfort at a time like this.

    I can empathise with how you feel. My wife had three miscarriages before we finally conceived our first child after five years of trying. Each of those led to much hand-wringing, cursing of luck and wondering if there was something ‘wrong’ with one of us. I wouldn’t want to lessen the impact it has on the prospective mother but often the dad’s feelings are forgotten in all of this. We get affected by the loss too.

    Fingers crossed this doesn’t prevent you from trying again and succeeding.

    • Tim, I am so sorry to hear about your experiences of miscarriage. Did you ever write about that 5 year period of your lives? I would be keen to read if so.
      Thank you for your kind words, fingers crossed here also.

  • I am so sorry you are going through this but thank you for writing. It is so important to remember men’s feelings too. Our situation is different to yours in that we can’t conceive a second but I know my husband feels the disappointment and frustration just as much as I do. Seeing his face when our IVF attempt failed is something that will stay with me forever.
    I hope you get your happy ending soon, thinking of you. x

    • I am so sorry to read this. Thank you or your kind words. I hope the same for you. Is your husband part of TDN private forum? It’s a great place for dads to talk in private, if they want to, or just hear about others experiencing similar things. It might help?

  • Luke and I are so sorry to read and hear about your’s and Jen’s loss, Al. There are no ‘right’ words to say so we will just offer our condolences and to be here if you need us.
    At least you have your more than perfect little Ted to make you smile every day x

  • So sorry for your loss this must of been very hard to write, I too have had 2 miscarriages and where possibly the worst times in my life. I’m glad your wrote this as no one talks about it and treats as some sort taboo subject when really it is very common. I know with my 2nd miscarriage already having Joe helped as he kept both of our spirts up and along with lots of family hugs it helped. Wishing you all well x

    • Sorry to hear of your miscarriages Jeni and thank you for your kind words. I am definitely on a mission to break the taboos and increase an understanding that men suffer too. Thank you

  • Oh gosh – sorry to hear this. The stats don’t make it easier. I know first hand too. The date of mine is ingrained on my mind.

    Deep breath – I don’t think you ever forget, just gradually, somehow it becomes easier.

    Lots of love to you both x

  • so sorry to hear that! I’ve had 3 miscarriages before I could finally carry my babygirl to term. two of those babies had to be ‘removed’ surgically by currettage. that was one of the most horrible things, something so private and hurtful could not be dealt with alone at home but had to be done in a hospital with annoying (‘it wasn’t a real baby yet’) and even very coldhearted staff (‘could you please stop crying silently, the pregnant woman in your room is disturbed by it’). It’s so sad for me that while I can talk about EVERYTHING in the world with my husband and tell him again and again the sadness I still sometimes feel even with my now healthy babygirl, I will never know for sure how it was for my husband. He won’t tell me, he won’t talk about it, now that babygirl is finally here ‘it’ doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t push him to talk about it but it makes me sad he doesn’t. Thank you for writing this article, maybe it encourages my husband a bit…

    • I am so sorry to hear about your losses and your awful experience in the hospital. I find these stories very difficult to accept. Why is this happening to people? Surely the smallest of changes to the system would make it easier for everyone.
      I am sorry to hear that your husband does not wish to talk about it. I know that that is the case for many people in this situation. Please feel free to point him in TDN direction. We have a separate dads only section he might find useful/enjoyable.
      Sorry again.

  • I am so sorry to read and hear this. There are no right words that anyone can say or do. I’m so sorry for both of you. Truly heartbreaking.

    I am always a click, message or a phone call away if you ever just need a chat. Will always be free and will always support you of you need it.

  • So sorry to hear this Al and Jen. Wouldn’t wish this on anyone, least of all two amazing parents such as yourselves. There are no words to make this better but if either of you need a chat, I’m always here for you both. Thinking of you all

  • Big hug to you and your wife. There are no words or facts that will take away the pain or disappointment. I do have faith that you will have anthor baby or babies in the future but it does not take away the current heartache. Thank you for continuing to share your journey so that more men will understand that they are not alone. Big Hug!

  • Oh my word I’m so sorry to hear and big hugs to you and Jen. I wish I knew what to say x

  • You are NEVER stupid for getting excited. And having been through it before doesn’t make you any more prepared for the hideous and empty loss that is miscarriage. You are doing all the right things – hugging each other, being there for each other and talking openly about it. So sorry for your loss. Big love from one who completely understands xxx

  • Oh hun I am so sorry for your loss. All my love xx

  • I’m so so sorry for your loss. I will never understand this cruel thing.

  • Kristina Trick 9th August 2015 Reply

    Sorry to hear this it really hits hard when it happens. A nurse told me I was lucky to have no pain and to go home and expect some bleeding. In no way did I feel lucky and then I had all the painful contractions and delivery the next day and I still feel so angry at the lack of information and emotional support. The only positive thing a can pull out from it is that it made me and my partner so much stronger together and I could tell from is obvious heartbreak he would make a fantastic father. Two years later we had a little girl and it makes you realize how precious life is.

    • Thank you for this comment Kristina. I am sorry to hear of your loss. I agree with you and also feel a lot of anger towards the systems in place and the terminology and words used in this very sensitive situation. Yesterday we had to have the miscarriage confirmed and the whole process was hideous from start to finish. I’m hoping to do all I can to make changes to this. IS your partner part of TDN- sounds like we need him as a member :)

  • Firstly, I am sorry to read of yours and Jen’s precious loss! A life affirming time is never easy and never makes sense! :-( I had my first loss in 2008 and my most recent 2 months ago… On both of mine I dealt with them alone…. So your genuine heart felt support and empathy for Jen is very heart warming and humbling to witness! She is a very lucky lady! You will be blessed again when you least expect it <3 Best Wishes!

  • So sorry to hear this :( my thoughts are with you and your family xx

  • Again Al, I’m just so sorry for yours, Jen’s and Teddy’s loss. I won’t attempt any words of wisdom because I haven’t got any, just know that my thoughts are with you all x

  • I’m so sorry for your loss, miscarriages are the worst thing to go through, we’ve had 3. Sending my love to you both xx

  • I’m so very sorry that you and your beautiful wife are having to go through this nightmare again. Hug each other and your gorgeous boy. Sending my support and strength x

  • I’m so sorry to read this. Nothing makes it easier. Love to you both. I hope it happens for you soon x

  • I totally understand how heartbreaking this is and you are so right it doesn’t matter how early/late it is or if you already have one child. The pain is the same. I hope you can find strength and peace in the warmth of your family. X

  • So sorry to hear this. Too right you feel wronged – she has been through enough. Will be thinking of you all xxx

  • I am so sorry to hear this. It’s so hard to go through this a second time. Comfort is very important now as you already said. Thinking of you 2. Xx

  • Al I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. Between our second and third children we went through a miscarriage as well and it was absolutely gut-wrenching. I can completely sympathize with your pain and heartache. It’s so hard and don’t feel like you can’t and shouldn’t grieve. You can and you should.

    • Thank you for your kind comment Rob and sorry to hear about your loss also.Did you ever write about it or decide to keep it private?

  • I am so sorry to hear this but at the same time, grateful to hear it from a dad’s perspective. Your insight and feelings about your own experience with miscarriage is deeply appreciated. I am sorry for your loss.

  • i have no words. There are no words to make any of this better for you and Jen. Just know that you’re in my thoughts.

  • So sorry to read your news :( so brave of you to post this up, and so important that you have so other dads know they are not alone and that their feeling are not forgotten. Both parents grieve and both parents love their child no matter how far along x

    • Thank you. I wrote about the first in the hope it would help other dads, and also other mums realise what dads may or may not be feeling too. Since then I receive so many emails from dads that I knew it was important to write about this one too, no matter how hard! Thank you for your kind comment.

  • Al, I went through two of them myself before I had my daughter. There are no “soothing” words. It flat out sucks and seeing your wife go through it humbles you to no end. As a husband and a man it sucks that you can’t defend your loved one from biology. I hope you are able to grieve yourself in your spare time and feel free to reach out to me if you need to vent.

  • I can’t say anything that will make this any better for you both but I am so very sorry.

  • So sorry to hear your loss. It is good to hear form a male persepective as many dads don’t know how to show their feelings at this difficult time.

  • Ah I’m so sorry to read this. I’m glad you felt you could write about it, I’m sure it’s helped lots of people – I’m also sure that no one has read this without shedding some tears – both for you and for their own losses. It’s important to have these moments of refection from time to time I think, however tough they are. All I can say to you two at the moment is that my daughter was born on my 44th Birthday after lots of trys (she’s now 10 and my boys are 16 and 21 – do you get the picture?!?) . So I’d say…don’t give up hope, and I send you lots of love. Jenny X

  • Oh Al, reading this bought tears to my eyes. Miscarriage and baby loss are so tragic and heartbreaking. And knowing that you should be grateful for so many things can make the heartbreak worse. I am so sorry for your loss. I have had four miscarriages and I can understand the emptiness and fear that your wife will be experiencing. It is so hard. But know that you are not alone. There is a huge community of people giving you a virtual hug and supporting you. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

  • It’s pants! I know friends and family who have suffered the same while we struggled in a different way – numerous failed IVF attempts.

    We’d been given a memory stick showing our little cells splitting and multiplying over the course of a few days only for IVF to fail a week later and you are just left completely empty, wondering what if, and even though you try not to get excited, all your plans are in complete disarray. Even at the early stage we were at, after trying for over 3 years whilst going through some very evasive appointments I found it hard at times to even contemplate “just one more go” but still felt I had to be strong – typical male macho attitude. That soon changed!

    We got there in the end :)

  • I’m sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story especially at such a raw time.

    I hope that you find the comfort and love you need to support each other. By writing about your feelings, hopes and fears you encourage others to do the same and in doing so help them feel less alone.

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