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Miscarriage | “I Feel Faulty”

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By Al Ferguson

Al Ferguson is the CEO and founder of The Dadsnet.

Published on 17/06/2016

When life gets hard, my wife builds up a bit of a wall. She says if she starts to cry, she’ll never stop. So she avoids emotional conversations, trying to protect herself. We both know only too well, that hiding all of your emotions and keeping everything in isn’t a good thing in the long run.

My outlet is the blog, which works well for me. A sort of personal therapy! On a rare occasion, Jen lets down her guard and writes things down things that are difficult to voice or admit out loud. Including this, an honest insight into how a pregnant mum feels, whilst waiting to miscarry a much longed for baby:

I wake with my hand on my tummy, as I do every morning. I’m trying to protect it. Even in my sleep. Even though I know it’s too late.

I allow myself just a minute to think about what is happening inside me. The confusion of my own body. Then I begin the obsessive checks. Has the bleeding started? Are there any signs? I take a look in the mirror. Drained and exhausted. My skin still covered in pregnancy spots. My skin hasn’t yet got the memo. Nor have my boobs, that ache like crazy or my ever growing tummy. Why hasn’t my body got the message?
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I shower to try and ease the never ending nausea. The reality of another day in emotional limbo is exhausting.
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I try to get dressed but nothing fits. My tummy is bloated and can’t stand any pressure against it. I feel sick. I feel fat. I feel ugly. And useless.

I’m faulty.

Even my own body can’t do the job it’s supposed to do. Why me? Why us? Why again?

So I wait. Will today be the day? Will today be the day we lose another baby? Or will my body keep holding on? Holding on to something that has ‘most probably’ gone?

I want to crawl in to bed and sleep. Sleep until it’s over. The tiredness is overwhelming.  But I can’t. Instead I spend another day fighting with my pregnancy symptoms and wondering if every twinge and ache is a sign. Checking for blood constantly. Afraid. Wondering when it will all begin. Again.

Ten weeks is a long time to know you are pregnant. To watch your body changing. To feel all of the symptoms. To hope everything will be ok this time.

But ten days is an ever longer time when you’re waiting for that much wanted pregnancy to end.

Miscarriage is devastating. But it’s the waiting to miscarry, still feeling very pregnant, that’s the cruelest and most lonely part.

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  1. Amanda Shortman

    I just wanted to send my love and say that I hope writing this down and expressing it helped in some way, sharing such awful feelings is both so hard and so important for our healing to begin! I know the feeling of “my body is faulty” so very well, it seems to have failed (or messed up) pretty much everything the female body is supposed to be able to do naturally, and that can cause so much self-doubt and anguish, so please, please keep sharing your thoughts and how you feel, in whatever way works best for you, because it what you are going through and what you have experienced is so huge and has so many layers and nobody should have to face that alone with their own thoughts xx

    • Al Ferguson

      Thank you Amanda. I am so sorry that your body is letting you down too. It’s such a hard thing to experience. Thank you for sharing your feelings and taking the time to leave your thoughts and kind words.

  2. David

    Hello, my partner and I have suffered 2 miscarriages over the last 2 years and I started to put my thoughts down as well. I agree it’s a good place to get out the thoughts in your head.

    Since starting it, people have pointed me in the direction of other people who have suffered similar experiences. I thought I was a man suffering in silence. Thanks for helping me realise I’m not alone.

    Not sure if I’m allowed to post my blog on here but it’s called finenotfine. Thats how I feel most days


  3. Mrs H

    Oh, all these feelings sound so heart-breakingly familiar. I always think it is so cruel that your body still thinks it is pregnant when that is no longer true. I can understand why you feel that your body is faulty. I cursed my body for so long. Then I realised that it was suffering too. I really hope that you are able to see someone who can give you some answers. And as I have said, I am always here if you want to chat. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  4. luke

    when miscarriage occurred both partners feel empty and disconnect from the rest.It is a bad occurrence.

  5. Leanne

    What a very open and honest post. I felt very much the same with my two miscarriages. I found talking to complete strangers that were going through the same pain really helped. That was over 3 years ago, the strangers are now my friends, and we talk online pretty much every day.

  6. Jade

    I’m just reading through all your posts with tears in my eyes, I’m currently 9.5 weeks pregnant and found out last week that our identical twins had stopped growing shortly after our previous scan at 7 weeks (there were heartbeats to be seen at the scan :( ) anyway on Saturday I went in for the tables to force me to miscarry, nothing happened however the hospital say they may have missed the passing of the babies, so I now have 3 weeks wait to check with a pregnancy test. I know I’m still carrying the babies, my body knows and it’s absolutely agonising. I can’t imagine your pain at having to go through this 5 times, but it gives me strength to know you have coped and continued with life.
    I pray you get your rainbow baby soon xxx

  7. Jodie

    I hate mothers day. Not in the hate that every other mother is celebrating but that I feel forgotten. Each year is another year of people saying “happy mothers day… oh wait you don’t have kids” Every year is the same slap in the face and I want to scream ” Yes I am! You just can’t see my beautiful baby in heaven”
    I miscarried at 7 and a half weeks, my body became a husk, a shell of it former self. My husband and I separated for 6 months neither of us able to deal with the loss. After the time we came back together and realized that life was sweeter together and have tried to get pregnant again. For five years we have tried. The doctors tell us that we will never carry to full term. My body just doesn’t work that way. In 9 months we are starting a journey to adopt.

    I wish you all baby dust if that is your hope and I wish you strength and love if you chose a different path for a family.

    Love Always

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