*since posting this story, we have created a fantastic info graphic called, ‘Dads; Coping with Loss After Miscarriage.’ If you have experienced a miscarriage, then we’d encourage you to take a look at it.
Miscarriage is a mysterious and devastating thing. I don’t think Dads talk about their experience of miscarriage enough, and they should. They should because it’s real, it’s very common and it helps to talk about it. Here is the story of this Dad’s miscarriage.
My wife and I had planned to get pregnant and could not have been happier when we saw the 2 blue lines. But…
During week 6 the storm began when my wife found a small amount of blood. We quickly googled and found out about spotting; common, perfectly normal bleeding during early pregnancy. We put it down to this, but the doctor still booked an appointment at the emergency scan department of the hospital. This is a weird place! We were sitting in a corridor, opposite the sonographer’s room. Women and couples go into the room with an anxious look on their face and come out either crying or gleefully holding a baby scan picture. We sat there and wondered our fate. Overjoyed or distraught? We ended up feeling neither… The sonographer examined, and came to the conclusion that it was too early to tell, booking us in for another emergency scan in 2 weeks’ time. That way the heartbeat would definitely be seen. (Or not).
This time the fetus had grown but there was still no visible heartbeat. No-one could explain it and no-one could confirm viability either way. We epitomised the saying, “left hanging.” We lived the following weeks on edge, anxious, worried and pensive. All the while this was happening we were planning our wedding for the end of the summer. What should have been an exciting time of preparations was overcast by a huge cloud of uncertainty and potential devastation. Just before our pre-wedding honeymoon was our third scan… Still no heartbeat but more growth! The doctor said, because of the growth, she couldn’t definitively say to us that we would lose the baby. Instead she gave a 95% chance of miscarriage at any point. So what should we do? Miss our holiday and loose the money, or go and risk it? We decided to go, but all the while our thoughts were else where.
On our return, general wedding stress levels were non-existent. The Tuesday before the wedding saw us, yet again, in the emergency scan waiting room for a fourth scan. We hid ourselves from the others, knowing that it would more than likely be bad news. This time, there was still no heartbeat but also no growth. We were told it was just a matter of time before the body rejected the unviable fetus and the miscarriage began. We had 2 options:
1) Let the miscarriage happen naturally over the wedding
Or
2) Opt for the SMM (Surgical Management of Miscarriage) and cancel the wedding?
Ever been between a rock and a hard place?
We decided to crack on with the wedding and if the miscarriage started, we’d cross that bridge as and when. It put everything into perspective. It helped us focus on us, and ironically, in amongst the sadness, we had never been so close. We got married with such an intimacy between us.
Three days after the wedding the miscarriage started. It began as a pain in the stomach. She knew it was happening, so we called for our fifth emergency appointment. The bleeding was constant and she had continuous pain. What could I do to make it better? The helpless feeling of inadequacy was fraught and very real.
Seven weeks of uncertainty, hope and despair had come to an end. We booked in for an emergency SMM. We arrived at the hospital and got prepped for the procedure. It was gut-wrenching and as they wheeled my wife out the room I felt like my heart was being pulled out on a trolley too. I couldn’t be with her when she was terrified, I wanted to comfort her, hold her hand and be there for her. Instead, I was in a cold room with just my thoughts as company.
Following the procedure it was so hard to know how to be. I was devastated, but held it in. I wanted to be strong and look after my wife as I knew that she was already heart broken. Me crying would just add to that pain for her. This was a mistake. The moment I let my guard down and really showed how I was feeling through being honest, led to one of the best moments of our relationship. We both held each other and felt the pain together. I think it was that moment that a new, unspoken connection and bond between us grew. It is in these difficult, overcast situations that relationships can really develop. For that I am thankful.
My hope is that through reading about my experience it opens the door for other Dads to talk openly. Please share your experiences with me by leaving a comment below, or contact me above. Thanks, Al.
I am so deeply sorry for both your loss, it is a devastating time and by sharing your story and feelings, you are helping so many. I wonder if people forget that the loss is hitting you both, in the same way that when a baby is born, so much of the attention and congratulations is so often focused on the mother. Thanks so much for this and for linking up to #brillianblogposts x
I’m so sorry to hear of your experience. I had a miscarriage too and both of us were devastated. There was naturally a lot of focus on me, as the one who was going through it physically, but I was so worried about my husband, being strong for me and I wasn’t sure if he was dealing with his feelings, rather than just being strong for me. Sounds like you had a really tough time with not knowing what was going on but good on you for having the strength to talk about it. I’ve written quite a lot about miscarriage too – I think any awareness that can be raised is a good thing as there is still such a silence around it. #brilliantblogposts
I am so sorry you had to go through this, but am so glad you wrote about it.
I always think that whilst the mum has to physically deal with the mis carriage there are also fathers, grandparents etc who all suffer too
x
This is such an honest and open post. Thank you for sharing. I think it is all to easy to focus on the woman during times like this, but as a father you are losing so much as well. You’re strength as a couple is both beautiful and admirable
Thank you Amy, it was hard to write but I think its so important to raise the awareness of the dad’s needs and feelings too. Thank you for your comment and you’re lovely compliment.
I am so sorry about your loss… I can´t imagine how difficult this is for a mummy, let alone a daddy…
But is beautiful to learn that through sharing your emotions and your pain, your relationship grew stronger.
#maternitymatters
I think that experiences like that can make or break a couple and now we feel pretty unbreakable. It’s a hard topic to discuss but one that needs the taboo broken I think. Thanks for your comment and for having us in your Linky #maternitymatters
I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. It must have been such an agonising time for you both. But thank you for sharing, for raising awareness and for breaking the taboo. It’s good to hear a dad’s perspective of miscarriage too and I’m glad you realised that showing your feelings didn’t make you weak. Sometimes we need to see that our partners really understand our pain. Thanks so much for sharing with #MaternityMatters xx
Thank you for your comment- Jen would agree with that – said that seeing my pain made it easier for her in some way. Thanks for having me #maternitymatters
This is such a beautifully written and touching post. We unfortunately went through a “missed” miscarriage a few years ago but were not trying for a baby and in hindsite were probably not in the best position but the pain was still real and at the time I don’t think I really considered my Husbands feelings enough. He was being strong for the two of us and I hope, like you, that this post not only encourages more men to talk but more women to listen.
XxX
I’m so sorry to hear that Ami. Thank you for that comment – I really hope so.
Me and my fiance just experienced a miscarriage this week. After 12weeks of complications, from a blood clot twice the size of the baby and the Placentia separating . She just had the procedure Wednesday. I’m still at the point of keeping everything in. I hate seeing her upset and in this much pain. As I pick up the responsibilities of the household, (bathing our son, cooking,cleaning,etc) I see her to slip into depression. We went to thedoctor yesterday BC of continuing abdominal pain and nausea praying she’s not septic. I’m not asking for a pity party just some prayers.
I’m so sorry that – and I know how you’re both feeling. I hope this was useful in some way.
Keith, How did it go at the doctors? How is your wife?
Tears in my eyes reading this. I’m so sorry for your loss. And so glad you were able to support your wife in such a wonderful way! Lots of love.
Thank you Michaela.
This really set off a few tears for me. I feel so sad for you and your wife. My partners Reese and I have had 3 miscarriages in total. 1. Was 5+ weeks natural mc 2. I started to spot the day before my 12 week scan baby passed away at 7 weeks had continued to grow aswell as my uterus and such so I had a bump, I had to have the op as the risk of infection had become too high. And the third one just over a month ago . We have a daughter now and that got us through the third one. My partner has always been so strong for my sake throughout all our mc’s but he’s one who doesn’t like to let his guard down. Sometimes I feel like I need/want him too just so I can feel like I’m not alone. I know he feels it but he just doesn’t let it out I openly talk about it but he struggles. We are happy and we deal with it well together but I just hope one day he can let his emotions out. I hope when we try for our second child we don’t have to go through anymore losses but it’s not looking too likely for us. I wish you all the best for the future also. I will be showing this post to my otherhalf thankyou x
Oh i’m sorry if i upset you. I’m so sorry for your loss too. I know exactly what your husband is going through. I run a dads fb group if he’d like to join. Not no talk about this necessarily but just to have a network of other dads around. Good luck with trying for your second child. We are trying too but I know my wife is starting to lose hope also. Keep in touch…
Lorraine -,I hope you don’t mind me responding to your post. I just wanted to send you positive thoughts. I had my miracle 2nd child on my 5th pregnancy so there is always hope. It is completely personal and may or may have not been my “miracle” cure but I took low dose aspirin while trying for 5th baby and during pregnancy. I was tested for anti cardio lupin antibodies and I am slightly positive. My experience is if you have a 1st trimester miscarriages they do very little testing but I have heard several successful stories of low-dose aspirin miracle babies. I have no medical training but I feel I have to share my experience just case it can help you.
AJ – I was wondering if you had written a “baby loss” article from Father’s perspective. When I had my 1st miscarriage, I worked with a very caring lady that had miscarriages before and she kept asking me how my husband was doing. I had lots of support but it was really important that it was acknowledged that my husband also felt the grief. Unfortunately, I have had 2 additional “baby loses” that have been more dramatic and have been harder on us. I will share your article shortly on social media.
I am so sorry to hear that and I send my thoughts to you both. She sounds like a lovely lady and I’m glad you had her around you at the time. I think that it is often the way that only people who experience these things can truly understand. I run a dads Fb group with 800 dads in if your husband would like to join. Not to discuss this particularly but just to be involved with a great network of other dads. Thank you for sharing the article with others.
My husband on Facebook would be interesting. :) Just trying to get him to start a blog (technical) and do a couple guest posts. I have told him about your blog and the “dad’s event”. I will send him a link to your blog later.
I have tears in my eyes… The waiting and wondering is the hardest part, one way or the other at least you can deal/grieve/move on, but being stuck in the middle unsure of which way the world is about to go is the worst. The hope is the hardest thing to deal with. The more you hope the harder it is to get the bad news.
I can’t even imagine going through something like this and dealing with all the wedding stuff.
Thank you for writing this. Having been through the experience a few times, I can relate to your feelings and thoughts, some of which I know too well. My heart goes out to you and your wife.
What a wonderful story, my husband and I have been through 2 MCs at early stages but I know my husband hurt as much as me. He was more support than the hospital as they just said it happens. We are now awaiting the arrival of our baby and keep hoping all is well. Only 3 weeks to go.
Ann
My partner and I have been trying for our first child for over two years now with many painful experiences along the way including multiple miscarriages and no real explanation. Each fathers day I literally hide away nobody understands the pain I’ve been happy for so many friends having kids in that time and feel useless and helpless myself.
A loss is never easy and some shrug it off. Some days I forget for q brief moment and try to be positive about the future but I see the pain my partners in and hate it. Hate all age has to go through.
Today would be babys due date I haven’t yet broken but im fully aware that I will and very soon had sleepless nights for a good week now wrote a little letter/poem a couple days ago holding back tears and I am right now.
We are lucky to already have 2 children but thers now this gapeing hole in our lifes.
Thankyou for this
We also seem to be closer since the miscarriage waht doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
THE DAY AFTER POSTING THIS I FOUND OUT WE HAD BEEN BLESSED AGAIN I AM SO EXCITED YET OVER SCARED AT THE SAME TIME
Jeez man! Amazing news – what a rollercoaster. Wish you all the best. Are you in our dads group? http://www.thedadsnet.com/dadsnet
Thank you for sharing this. Beautifully written and incredibly inciteful.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. This really helped my husband a lot. We also were having a hard time accepting our loss. This was our first baby/babies supposedly but unfortunately i suffered in what they call ” blighted pregnancy”. What hurts the most was knowing that it was supposedly twins! and we had a hard time for quite some time now to get pregnant and then this happened. Upon reading your thoughts , it helped us both to cope up and be more open. Thank you so much again!
I have to say, I feel your pain. We have 3 children right now, but early on my wife suffered a miscarriage and then only a few weeks ago, another one. I didn’t know how to feel. Should I feel sad, or try and be strong for my wife, who didn’t want to do anything except curl up and cry? Or should I be able to show my emotions and admit that this has hurt me more then I could express? Either way, both times have thrown our lives into turmoil, and each time it causes my wife to doubt and it causes me to doubt that I am good enough to help or cope with both burdens. In short it makes feel less of a man not being able to help or to speak out.
I completely agree with everything you said. We to had a miscarriage to, went for our 12 week scan to be told there was no heart beat. Truly devastated, my partner was my rock and I would not have been able to go through the whole thing without him, but i also knew he needed to grieve to, and was a really difficult time, but made us stronger x
Really sorry for your loss, I completely agree with everything you said. We to had a miscarriage to, went for our 12 week scan to be told there was no heart beat. Truly devastated, my partner was my rock and I would not have been able to go through the whole thing without him, but i also knew he needed to grieve to, and was a really difficult time, but made us stronger x